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Football
League releases insolvency rule clarification
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768 page amendment kills nine
THE
Football League today moved to clarify its rules regarding
insolvency events in the wake of the Leeds United
arbitration farce, releasing a supplementary 768 page
amendment to its existing handbook.
The
huge amendment is designed to spell out the League’s
various policies for dealing with clubs struggling
to cope with the bitter fallout of their pathetic,
pitiful, broken ambitions; their desperate dreams
of escaping the massed ranks of provincial two-bob,
tinpot village pub teams - largely ignored by 99.9999%
of the planet - in tatters, and the abject, fatty,
buffet-munching Tory Boy losers in the boardroom singularly
incapable of comprehending the monstrous consequences
of their gross incompetence.
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FISTING THE LEAGUE UP THE BUM CRACK: Bitter enemy
of football still at large |
Announcing
the new amendment today, League chairman Lord Mawhawhawwinnhawiny
said: “Gone are the days when the only people
who understood the League’s stance on exceptional
insolvency events were Jesus H Christ - the son of
God - and David Conn. Now, not even God himself can
work out where we’re coming from. And we might
have stalled Conn for a week or so.”
The
huge, 5.3 tonne document was released as a 8.6 terabyte
download on the Football League’s website and
as a 150-bomblet cluster-bomb over Elland Road, although
Mawhawhawwinnhawiny admitted that none of the nine
piles of bloodied gore unearthed from the rubble were
found to be Ken Bates, who remains at large.
Speaking
from his office, Boston United chairman David Newton
welcomed the new clarification.
“It’s
about time they sorted something out,” he told
impsTALK. “Of course, I haven’t read it.
768 pages? You’re having a laugh. I’ve
got a lot on my plate. Literally. Tony Crane left
an ASDA Extra Special chicken balti behind. I delegated
the rule book thing to Neil [Kempster].
"He took it into the toilets with him to read.
Unfortunately, it pinned him to the loo. He’s
been in there for eight hours already. Neil? Are you
done? Neil? Neil? You ok, Neil? He's a bit quiet.
Neil? I need to wee. Neil? Neil? I want a coffee when
you're done Neil. And you've not painted the Town
End yet. Neil? Neil? Blimey. I hope he’s going
to strike a match when he’s finished.”
THAT
AMENDMENT IN A NUTSHELL - REALLY QUITE
GOOD CREDITORS, SUPER CREDITORS AND
FUCKING AWESOME CREDITORS
Having perused the 768 page amendment to the League’s
rules for a full 11 minutes and six seconds, impsTALK’s
lawyer, Brian Huthrow-Mowlawn, issued us with a bill
of £8659.32p + VAT + expenses + lunch + 32p for
us thieving three of those A4 sized plastic wallets,
an accusation we still refute in the strongest possible
terms.
After realising impsTALK’s funds of £2.32
were unlikely to cover the bill, we then threatened
to release footage of Huthrow-Mowlawn begging to be
punished with a fifteen inch strap-on contraption by
a 320-pound Chilean transvestite dressed as Hermann
Göring that we obtained covertly in an entirely
unrelated and totally business-related trip to Hamburg’s
Führerbunker Domination Sexy Klub in February
'06.
Huthrow-Mowlawn promptly returned to the task at hand
and produced this succinct, pithy summary of the League’s
latest insolvency regulations:
“Any
club exiting an insolvency event must do so via a CVA,
OPA, BAS or TYU, with the latter three requiring 8.96%
approval from HMRC or the GTYH. In the unlikely event
that the club is unable to obtain approval for an OPA,
BAS or TYU, and is unable to agree terms on a CVA, it
may draw up a GHU if HMRC allow the REW to GVB in the
GHJ. This will require a minimum GFH of 9.3265% in the
$1, or £1.02322. However, this may only be agreed
on a Bank Holiday Monday or the seventh Tuesday in 1998.
If this condition cannot be met, the Golden Share will
only be issued in the following circumstances:
1.
The league have no idea what the circumstances are
and will invoke special exemption clause 1.8.326.565.
2. The end.
Special
exemption clause 1.8.326.565 states, explicitly: “Special
exemption clause 1.8.326.565 permits, in exceptional
circumstances, the Football League, in exceptional
circumstances, to hold, providing the case is exceptional,
a Special Exceptional Extraordinary Meeting in which
a special exemption clause 1.8.326.565 buffet must
be agreed to be eaten by 67.865% of FGH members, Super
Creditors, Super Super Creditors, Really Amazing Creditors,
Fucking Awesome Creditors and Very Special Creditors
That Try Their Best Because That’s What Really
Matters And No Matter What Happens Or Whatever The
Result Must Remember That They Are Winners Too.”
If
a clubs reneges on a TYU creditor arrangement, special
exemption clause 1.8.326.575 shall be invoked, meaning
the club will be issued with a FRTYH and deducted
85 points, spread over 53.2 seasons, suspended indefinitely
pending an OPL audit, but this only applies during
the 1985/86 season and at 6.31am on Christmas morning
unless the chairman of the club has the middle name
‘Jacob’, ‘Desmond’ or ‘Gerald’
in which case special exemption clause 1.8.326.575
shall also apply at 6.33am and for eight minutes on
September 3rd 2009.
Points
penalties for teams failing to comply with special
exemption clause 1.8.326.565 or not agreeing a CVA,
OPA, BAS or TYU are to be decided by asking a monkey
to shit on a picture of a member chairman entirely
at random and then asking the chairman to hold his
breath while his genitals are tickled by a specially
trained octopus (an untrained giant squid may be used
on Sundays and Tuesday afternoons providing the League
has the necessary equipment to prise the squid off
without causing injury to the chairman. A box jellyfish
may be used if the chosen chairman’s surname
is ‘Bates’).
The number of seconds that the chairman can hold his
breath are then divided by 1.36325, rounded up to
the nearest decimal place and then immediately applied,
pending appeal, further appeal, appeal to member clubs,
threat of High Court writ, actual High Court writ,
European Union ruling, United Nations War Crimes Commission
Investigation, NATO airstrike and, as an absolute
last resort, independent arbitration by three drunk
Latvian plumbers and a dead pigeon with matchsticks
stuck in its eyes.
If
a club fails to agree any kind of creditor arrangement,
breaks a minimum of ten rules and fails to pay St
Johns Ambulance - but just happens to lie within the
M25 orbital and be managed by a loveable, cheeky Cockney
who lets newspaper hacks take cocaine in the club
toilets, no penalties shall apply and the club shall
be awarded 50 points. |
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JON
SOTNICK - A TO Z
Sinister
Sheffield Wednesday - MONORAIL! - chairman-in-waiting
(yeah, he wishes) Jon Sotnick takes time out to - MONORAIL!
- answer his A-Z questions - MONORAIL!.... MORE |
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PILGRIMS
SAVED
| Boston
United’s future appears to have been secured after
an extraordinary last minute deal struck with HMRC.
The agreement with the club’s
main creditor was reached late last week ending, temporarily
at least, months of uncertainty surrounding the York
Street outfit.
The news was announced by Chairman
David Newton before the Hyde United game on Saturday
– but impsTALK can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Newton
was so convinced the club was set to fold, he’d
already prepared a draft speech announcing the demise
of the Pilgrims.
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The
HMRC van pictured speeding down Main Ridge East moments
after dumping Kempster |
In
fact, the club was only saved by a last-gasp agreement after
Newton dispatched vice-chairman Neil Kempster to HMRC HQ
in Worthing to ‘sort out’ the small matter of
a settlement of the club’s hilarious Company
Voluntary Agreement.
An
anonymous eyewitness, who wished only to be referred to
as Boston United FC press officer Craig Singleton,
took impsTALK aside in the Pescod Square multi-storey car
park to reveal the details of the astonishing deal struck
with HMRC.
Singleton
explained in detail how Kempster was ordered down south
on Tuesday afternoon.
“Basically,
David rang the bell in his office, and Neil [Kempster] dropped
the mop – he was swilling out the showers as normal
- and reported to the chairman’s office. He was then
issued with strict instructions.”
impsTALK
understands Newton told Kempster to ‘go sort something
out with the Revenue - quick smart’ and handed his
vice-chairman a single rail fare to Worthing.
Newton
was apparently so convinced he’d never hear from his
vice-chairman again that he began writing what he felt would
be the grim death knell for the Pilgrims ahead of a planned
on pitch announcement ahead of the Hyde game.
“It
was going to be bad news,” Singleton said. “So
Newton told [kit-man] Jason Hatfield he’d have to
read it on his behalf - and he was going to go watch Lincoln
City at Morecambe."
Meanwhile,
nothing was heard of Kempster until late Thursday afternoon,
when a sinister black van sped down York Street.
“It
must have been doing at least 50mph,” said important
York Street resident Bob Mugfret-Fishhead. “The back
doors flew open and Kempster was pushed out.”
Kempster
staggered to Newton’s office sporting three black
eyes, ten broken ribs, a shredded suit and ‘BEG YOU
BITCH’ scrawled across his forehead in black marker
pen.
“Sorted
- we’re saved,” he is reported to have told
Newton, before collapsing to the floor.
Singleton
added: “After he’d come around, Kempster asked
if he should tell the fans that a deal had been reached,
but David just said thanks for the effort - but he’d
do that bit. And could murder a cup of tea.”
Of the settlement itself, Kempster was reluctant to elaborate,
choosing instead to sit in a corner of the United boardroom,
rocking gently back and forth and muttering: "Seven
red coconuts, playing with the zebras" over and over
while looking into the distance with a glassy-eyed stare.
| Reaction
to United's unlikely salvation |
"Have
that you worthless feckers, I knew you'd fold, you worthless
feckers! Think you can get one over Little Jimmy eh,
you feckers? Fecking feckers! You're all scum! Scum
I tell you! Take that, you miserable, worthless feckers!
No! No! I won't go back in the box, I won't!"
- original architect of the doomed CVA, Little
Jimmy, speaking from his villa on an exclusive gated
community in the Cayman Islands.
"To say this is a great moment in United's
recent history is an insult to Steve Evans and what
Steve Evans achieved at Boston. They were nothing until
Steve Evans arrived and handed the wonderful fans, who
still adore Steve Evans, the success they craved. Steve
Evans firmly believes this ranks way below the record
points tally of 61 that Steve Evans achieved on a budget
that was 650% smaller than anyone else in League Two
at the time, and all this while Steve Evans was set-up
by the Malkinsons despite the judge saying Steve Evans
was 5% guilty and Steve Evans' family being disturbed
by phone calls in the middle of the night. But Steve
Evans is still Boston United's messiah - of that Steve
Evans is convinced" - Steve Evans
and current Crawley Town 'manager'
"Bloody rubbish. All of 'em. They
can get rid o'that bloody Nuttell for staaaarters. I
'ad a caaaart'orse as old as him once. I pithed the
bugger int'ead - 'ee were useless. Get rid of 'im! 'Ed
be quicker in a bloody wheelchair. And that Southern
nancy boy Taylor - I bet 'e caaan't 'old his beer. All
the same those bloody Cockneys. Bloody rubbish, t'lot
of 'em. Booo" - Farmer Dan the Boston
Fan
"I can't comment because I'm a Big
Proper Chairman in waiting with a consortium and everything.
And even though I'm a terrible football chairman who
spinelessly absolved himself of any responsibility for
Boston United despite personally presiding over a planning
application that resembled the half-witted scribblings
of an small baboon that had just broken into the cupboard
containing the crystal meth, I'd just like to give myself
a big pat on the back and look forward to fucking up
Sheffield Wednesday. I need a new job" -
sinister Sheffield Wednesday consortium head-honcho
Jon Sotnick
"How incredibly fortunate"
- Lucky Competition Winner Doug Hutson
"Can I have my job back with the Official matchday
magazine yet? No? Well I didn't want it anyway. In fact,
you can stick it up your arse, you fuc- why are you
handcuffing me? Get off!" - ex-matchday
magazine contributor and part-time BBC Radio Cumbria
phone-in pest, Scott Dalton
"Boston United? Blimey. That takes
me back" - Boston speedway boss Dale
Allitt
"Boston United? Blimey. That takes
me back" - ex-boardroom table polisher
Colin Woodcock
"Fuck" - Kent-based
malcontent Mark Isaac |
CVA: His fault
Farmer Dan the Boston Fan
Crawley 'manager' Steve Evans |
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EXCLUSIVE!
Newton's first speech notes in full
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