PILGRIMS APPOINT JOINT KITMAN Not content with a duo in the boardroom and in the dugout, Boston United have today acted swiftly to employ a joint KITMAN. Robert Dredgemore, 38, has signed a two-year deal at York Street after AFC United of Swineshead hesitated in signing him up for a further season. The new arrival will work alongside current kitman Jason Hatfield for the 2009/2010 season, and United chairman David Newton is hopeful the partnership will yield dramatic results. “I thought long and hard about this as Neil (Kempster) gave me a back-massage on Thursday night,” Newton told a packed public press conference this morning. “We have the best team bus in non-league football - it's got a toilet and everything - and I want the cleanest shirts too. That goes for Neil’s suits as well – those grass and paint stains are a nightmare.”

Dredgemore poses for the cameras

Meanwhile, speaking of his delight at joining the Pilgrims, Dredgemore said: “I’m delighted to be joining the Pilgrims.

“We’re going places as a laundry unit. Jason and I are very different personalities who will bring different things to the laundry room.

“Jason likes to wash with lavender fabric softener at thirty degrees while separating out the whites. Me? I just sling the whole fucking lot in and hope for the best.”

Having literally just won promotion to whatever that shit-stick of a league it was we were booted out of last season, you might have thought Ilkeston Town would have been keen on maintaining their burgeoning momentum, starting first with offering their hugely promising management duo of Rob Scott and Paul Hurst new contracts for 2009/2010.

But that’s not how things work in Ilkeston. Instead, Scott and Hurst were, to their obvious bewilderment, inexplicably given the cold shoulder by the club they had helped immeasurably after the sudden departure of David Holdsworth to Mansfield midway through the season.

David Newton, as one Kent-based malcontent is so keen on reminding us, is a clever man, and when the pair, disillusioned with their treatment at the NPL play-off winners, rocked up at York Street last week, he didn’t waste a moment snapping them up on two-year deals. Little wonder he threw open the doors of tonight’s press conference – this was as perfect an appointment as could be hoped for. Kempster's coffee wasn't bad either.

Cheers Chek! Remind us to buy you a pint next time you’re in Boston.

Well, that’s fine by us. Johnny’s files needed a home, and we’re only too happy to oblige. At least, until the lentil-crunching lawyers come a-knockin’.

Be aware, however, that these are actually large image files, not text. So if you’re using a dial-up connection, you may wish to-...... ahh, fuck it. Who cares? You’re a second-class citizen and don’t deserve to see them. You can get high-speed broadband on your watch these days, you cheapskate plebeians.

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