Lost In Translation: The Steve Evans Phrase Book

It's long been common knowledge that Steve Evans makes little sense to anyone other than himself.

Prone to odd outbursts and astonishing claims, it's often difficult for outsiders to get to grips with what Steve is actually trying to say in post-match interviews. Never fear, help is at hand. Here is impsTALK's Steve Evans Phrasebook. Oh, and there's a few other odds and sods from Sotnick et al thrown in for good measure.

This is a work in progress. Email impsTALK with your suggestions!

A
"A handful of trouble-makers" - 50% of the crowd and the several hundred who don't bother coming to watch any more.

Albion Rovers (for whom he scored around 65% of all his League goals) - Glasgow Celtic.

B
"Before I came here we'd be going to X Y Z team and getting beat 4, 5 and 6" - I've got to make this 0-0 bore draw at Cheltenham sound like the biggest result we've had in years.

"Biggest game in the club's history" - any game played against a team from a higher league or same league but higher position during the period of Steve Evan's management tenure.

C
"C*nt!!" - A penalty, surely?

D

E
"Eight million viewers" - 850,000 viewers

F
"Fuck!" - I believe I'm not in full agreement with you, Mr Fourth Official.

"For fuck's sake!" - I think Kent-based Mr Mark Isaac is about to pose me a question at the Fans Forum (SOTNICK)

G
"Good friend in football" - person employed in professional football who I know full the name of.

H

I
"I know I'm not supposed to comment on referees" - I'm about to comment on the referee.

"In all seriousness" - if you believe that you will believe anything...

"Idiots" - Boston United fans (according to BUFC management)

"I've been tracking the lad for some time" - I spotted the kid yesterday

J

K
"Kent-based" - Mark Isaac is not a yokel. Pitchforks at the ready!

L

M
"Massive club" - Bristol City.

"Melton is near match fitness" - Steve Melton will never play again for United.

"Mr and Mrs Disgrace" - a term used to describe predatory match officials in Nottinghamshire.

"Minor irritations" - Boston United fans (according to directors)

N

O

P
"Popped round for a cup of tea" - I've been arrested by armed police

"Prick" - Mark Isaac (SOTNICK)

Q

R

S

T
"Tactics" - ???

"The best player in his position outside of the Championship" - a player who is 3 months away from being: "He was going to be available on a free transfer in the summer anyway" and 3 months and one day away from being referred to by Scotty Walds as being "not that good anyway".

"The boy has left the club for personal reasons" - I realised I signed a duffer on a long contract without looking at him, it took several weeks having him in for training every day of the week before he finally agreed to leave.

"The boy is a legend" - he only ever played for Boston Utd under my management.

"Training ground" - Bow Street Magistrates Court

"Three hundred people per game" - 800 people per game

U

V

W
"We are well within the budget" - We are way over budget.

"We could have had 5 or 6" - we scored once and hit the post.

"We could have had 10 or 11" - we scored one from open play, one from a penalty and hit the post.

"We have many obstacles in our way, but we're getting over them" - I hate it when all those dissenting posters on Patter whip up a frenzy.

"We've already turned down a six-figure sum for Andy Kirk from a Championship side" - Will someone please come and offer us some money for this player? We're desperate.

"We're doing everything we can to get the Townend back for one game for the fans" - please don't go to the BUFCST meeting.

"We're looking to bring in a couple of loan signings in the next 24hrs" - we don't have any news today, but Craig still wants to update the website.

"We've been watching this boy for a while and I'm pleased we've finally managed to get him on loan" - he played against us in the last match when they fielded an understrength side and was heading back to the ressies, so I asked if we could borrow him for a couple of weeks.

"We've come in at half time and changed a few things around" - Paul told me to take so and so off and hey presto we got out of jail.

"When you look at how far we've come in the last 18 months" - I've got a job again.

X

Y
"You motherfucking c*nts!" - I would respectfully advise you that it would be morally and ethically wrong to renege on a gentleman's agreement not to play Ben Futcher in a crucial local derby.

Z