Accrington 3, Boston United 8
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Fans erroneously celebrate pub team victory

Baffled Boston United fans had their Accrington victory celebrations cut short after it emerged they had been watching the WRONG game at Stanley’s impressive InterLink Corrugated Iron Arena™ on Saturday, impsTALK.co.uk can exclusively reveal.

United fans assumed the game taking place on an adjacent park pitch WAS the highly anticipated League Two clash, which they incorrectly believed had been settled by a Mark Albrighton double hat-trick. In reality, the 192 traveling fans had watched AFC Kings Arms of Accy thrash JRF United B 8-3, with man of the match and Albrighton not-really-look-a-like Billy Toolkit scoring the six goals. Upon arriving at the ground, confused Boston followers had passed through a pile of breeze blocks passing as a turnstile and found themselves on what appeared to be a patch of scrubland nestled between two football pitches. From the away terrace, supporters, thanks to the lack of a roof, could take their pick of which game to watch.

Lopsided pub pitch sits alongside park

On one pitch, twenty-two unsophisticated neanderthals, labouring under the laughable delusion that they were talented professionals, crudely hacked and hoofed the ball onto nearby rooftops while a random spectator officiated the game with the command of a dead jellyfish - all in front of three spectators and a stray dog.

Yards away, on the other pitch, two Saturday league clubs were playing out a dazzlingly entertaining game in the more exotic surroundings of a windswept park surrounded by pylons in front of four spectators, two stray dogs and a curious crow. Unsure which game to watch, many Pilgrims fans settled on the park team, wrongly thinking they were cheering on United.

Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead explained: “It was a bit like a budget version of Sky Interactive. No-one had any idea which game we’d paid to watch, so we simply assumed it was the game in which more football was being played.

“A few of us did question why neither team was wearing amber-and-black, but we just reckoned that we hadn’t paid the kit bill again and bought ourselves a new strip on Crazee Jimmy’s Mint card. But the standard of play was much higher than that taking place on the other pitch.

"Every so often, when the ball went out of play, we’d turn round and have a chuckle at how shite the other game was, especially one moment where one hapless defender blithely gifted the red team a goal, almost as though he was involved in some kind of Asian betting scam.”

The confusion extended to the post-game interviews, with cider-swilling vagrant and BBC journalist Scott Dalton erroneously taping an interview with despondent JRF United boss Lee Meatprole. “The seventh and eighth goals were at least fifteen yard offside, but I ain’t blaming t’lino really ‘cos it was me cousin, our sub right-back, runnin’ t’line,” Meatprole told Dalton, who was downing a half-pint of warm Gloopsludge Ale he’d found abandoned in Stanley’s Portaloo.

Meanwhile, Boston chairman Crazee Jimmy Rodwell, in between honking a horn and spraying unsuspecting members of the pubic with his bow-tie water pistol, confirmed that 97% of the club's employees were today allowed to go to London for a 'shopping trip'.

"Steve might moan about the budgets around these parts, but it's nothing compared to what happens when he goes shopping with his wife," Crazee Jimmy chuckled, reeling off anecdote after anecdote of the times a frustrated Evans has had to wait outside the ladies changing rooms of John Lewis. "And after all that, he's lucky if he gets ten minutes to look around Staples!"

Asked by impsTALK editor Ralph Gackweed if there was a branch of John Lewis located in the chambers of Southwark Crown Court, Crazee Jim abruptly terminated the interview with a stinkbomb, attacking Gackweed with a bunch of multicoloured flowers he produced from his sleeve.