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BANNED! CHELSEA BAN CELERY, BOSTON BAN SALARIES

Just days after Premiership giants Chelsea banned Blues fans from taking celery into Stamford Bridge, Boston United’s mysterious new backers Standing Alone Ltd have unveiled a ban on SALARIES at the debt ridden Lincolnshire minnows.

Salaries have been used at Boston United with varying degrees of transparency for a number of years and have proved popular with League journeymen looking for one last fling with the professional game before sinking into non-league obscurity.

But now the salary culture at the cash-strapped Pilgrims is set to be scrapped in favour of leaner, non-salaried employment.


Resistance is futile

According to sinister Standing Alone spokesman Mr CENSORED, the embargo on salaries at York Street will take place with immediate effect – and will be backdated five years.

The new measures will be strictly enforced. The club’s players will be frisked as they leave training and searched for any traces of having been paid for their work.

“We will ban for life any player caught attempting to take a salary from this historically proud property investment,” Mr CENSORED said, his voice deliberately distorted and his face pixelated on a video posted on the internet.

“We want to absolutely ensure that the supporters of the irritating obstacle to our grand redevelopment schemes are reassured that we will not permit further debts to be accumulated and that we want to see the club in the hands of strictly regulated businessmen, such as liquidators, as soon as possible.

“To enforce compliance with the new rules, we will station heavily built security guards at the gates of the training facilities and they will be tasked to look for tell-tale signs of a regular wage, such as happy go-lucky demeanour of a player not haunted by the spectre of homelessness, skin that isn’t peeling away, lack of muscle wastage and clean, ironed clothing. Players not suffering from severe malnutrition will be scrutinised extra closely.”

The new rules had an immediate impact, with club boss Steve Evans spotted sharing a week-old can of cheap cider with BBC reporter and unlikely chum Scott Dalton in Boston’s Central Park.

“Ever since I was dumped from my prestigious position as match day magazine contributor by the club leading to my relentless slide into personal catastrophe, I’ve been waiting for some down-at-heel vagrant to take pity on me,” slurred Dalton, as he took another swig of the putrid 57% proof liquid.

Meanwhile, several members of the United first team squad formed an Andean pan-pipe band and were witnessed busking in Lincoln High Street today. “I can make double what I earned at Boston before the salary ban,” admitted Andy Marriott, aka ‘Alejandro Sanchez’, as an intrigued Little Bobby Shattocks, out buying double strength binbags and a new spade with his father, deposited three chocolate coins and an out-of-date ten rupee note into his Peruvian-style hat.


Marriott, Cryan and Rusk in Lincoln today

But news of the salary ban has not been welcomed in all quarters with the Independent Pilgrims Supporters Association (I.P.S.A.) reacting with dismay after hearing the news. The incensed supporters’ body immediately announced a coffee and cake evening to be held at the Assembly Rooms in October 2008 to discuss the imminent threat to the club’s future.

Newly self-proclaimed IPSA chairman Mick Hubcap, of Kalgoorlie, Western Australia, told impsTALK: “All true fans of Boston United, such as those like myself who’ve been attending games since the dark, lean days of the Conference championship season, must unite. We must unite and repulse this grave threat to our proud club’s future.

"We will leave no slice of Battenburg uneaten and no ADSA Extra Special Lemon Drizzle Sponge untouched in our ceaseless fight to the bitter end to ensure a future for our wonderful football club and for the community which it serves. I need a new cup of Gold Blend coffee.”


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