Welcome to BUTV - the future of Boston United!

The advent of digital broadcasting means the airwaves are full of a huge range of sub-par television punctuated by adverts for ring tones, loans and misleadingly cheap car insurance.

Boston United aren't going to miss out. With revenue falling, BUTV has been launched as a subscription only channel on Sky Digital and TopUp TV.

Monthly subscription is £14.99 per month (8 fan points).

07.00 - Breakfast with Blackwell
Duncan Browne arrives to deputize for the absent John Blackwell only to find the BWB studios cordoned off by the SAS and crawling with forensic officers. He does a quick about-face and returns home. (S, WS) [This programme is subject to replacement]

09.00 - Big Crook, Little Crook
Kids show. Ben is watching his favourite football team when they suddenly go bust. Small offers him a season ticket at Lincoln City. Obviously Ben’s not interested. Betty the Bus Driver comes into the cafe and together with Ben and Small they vow to track down those responsible and throw a flour bomb at them.

09.30 – Teen Tycoons
Local school boy Little Bobby Shattocks excitedly hands 51p to a man wanting some pennies for the bus. Little does he know that the man was Crazee Jimmy Rodwell and he now owns a football club – and over £1.5m of debt, prompting a frenzied crowbar attack by local creditors. Viewer discretion advised. (R, WS)

New romantic drama, 1.45pm today

10.00 – Car Booty
Series presented by Lord Stevens in which people fuel their dreams of success by throwing non-existent cash around as though they’re not on the verge of bankruptcy. Today, Ken finds £16,000 in his car boot and a whistle he can blow very loudly. (WS, Subtitles)

11.00 – Brain Teaser
Hopelessly expensive interactive game show hosted by Crazee Jimmy Rodwell, the UK’s brainiest footballer. Today’s craze anagram to unscramble: A VASE CLINKS VEIL WREN. Texts cost £5 plus standard network charge. (WS, Subtitles)

12.00 - News at Noon
News at Noon. News hour that tactically ignores big local issues in your area, instead reporting a leaking roof in Frampton that caused a chicken to get its feather slightly damp. (WS)

13.00 - Diagnosis Launder
Daytime drama series about a football club manager adept at making cash disappear. Today, Stevie stakes out a motorway service station waiting for Ken Charlery to show up. (R, Subtitles)

13.45 - Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name - The Steve Evans Story
First of an emotional six part mini series, set from 1985 onwards. Upset at the loss of one of their greatest ever players, coaches at Celtic, Manchester Utd and Bolton erase all details of Steve Evans' career from their records to avoid spotting his name and getting upset. Steve makes the trip down from Scotland to see Boston Utd at Wembley, vowing at the end of the disappointing day that one day he'll become manager of the Lincolnshire club and take them into the promised land of the Football League, using a combination of flowing football, experienced players, cheating and several acts of outrageous criminality. (WS, Subtitles).

15.00 – FILM The Man Who Knew Too Much
Classic Hitchcock thriller. A family on holiday in Lincolnshire stumble across two men exchanging a briefcase laden in a lay by on the A52 to Grantham, leading to frantic efforts by the conspirators to keep the victims quiet by offering them jobs at their business and a piece of the action (U) (WS, Subtitles)

17.00 – Seconds from Liquidation
Using cutting-edge technology and advanced computer simulation, we go where no camera can venture, deep into the heart of the disaster zone. Tonight: what caused the catastrophic collapse of a deeply unpopular Lincolnshire football club? Eye witnesses and reconstructions piece together what went wrong. (Subtitles, S, WS)

16.00 – Six O’clock News and Weather
Update on the leaking roof in Frampton and live reports from the scene where on-going efforts to dry the slightly damp chicken with a hairdryer are making good progress. The destruction of a local football club remains unreported due to editorial discretion.

Tonight, 7pm

18.30 - The Sack Race
Entertaining game show. Tonight, lucky contestant Steve Evans sets fire to his line manager, exposes himself to the cleaning lady and crashes a Eurofighter into the office - but his boss at Crazee Jimmy's World of Bargains refuses to issue a verbal warning. (Subtitles, S, WS)

19.00 - Fraudiac - Finance Abuse
A patched up Richard Hammond visits the Staffsmart Dome to test just how much cash you can stuff in an envelope before it bursts open, spraying filthy, stolen £50 notes all over the car park. Also: how to assassinate FA Compliance Officers by luring them to remote caravans and blowing them up with propane. (Subtitles, R, WS)

19.30 - Two Pints of Batemans and a Packet of Cash
Hilarious new comedy starring Ian Lee and Pat Malkinson. (Subtitles, S, WS)

20.00 - Jim and Steve’s Friday Night Getaway
More krazee stunts and surprises are in store for the studio audience and those at home as Jim and Steve strap themselves in to their new Julian Joachim-financed sportscar and head up to Darlington. (Subtitles, S, WS)

21.00 - Strictly Come Financing – Live!
Light entertainment show hosted by HMRC. Tonight, dynamic duo Pat and Steve face the judge’s verdict, while the public can text their verdicts for John, Lee and Brian. (Subtitles, S, WS)

22.00 – FILM: Cape Canoville – A 21st century Portrait (2006)
Film Premiere. French director Laurent Sabathier directs this unbearably pretentious art-house flick as a film crew tracks and records Lee Canoville completing ninety minutes in a 5-0 defeat against Shrewsbury Town. Includes explicit hoofing (18). (S, WS)

Midnight – CLOSEDOWN
Screen fades to black as band strikes up rendition of ‘Come Fill Me Again’. Sponsored by HMRC.

See previous BUTV Listings!