I AM THE LAW!
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"I'll sue whoever it was wrote that letter sent to the FA accusing us of something!!" roars Sotnick

Sinister Lavaflow chairman Jon Sotnick has vowed to sue the person behind last week’s match fixing allegations, impsTALK has learned after picking up a copy of the Boston Standard earlier today.

The businessman is furious that an anonymous letter writer contacted the Football Association to highlight the fact that large sums of cash had been bet on Carlise United beating United by a two-goal margin earlier this year.

“I’ll sue, I’ll sue, I’ll sue the fuckers!” Sotnick raged when he heard the news. “These people have no idea what I’m capable of - someone’s going to pay!”

The FA refused to confirm the identity of the writer, although it has been rumoured he/she is a professional gambler based in Singapore. The club quickly ruled out Mark Isaac or the Supporters Trust as the source of the letter, and were today busily sifting through approximately 158,521 suspects, mostly people or organisations believed to bear a grudge against either the club, Lavaflow, and Steve or Gee Evans.

New lottery game

However, with the sheer bewildering array of enemies, Lavaflow are no closer to identifying who they need to fight in court.

In the absence of anybody to sue, Boston United have launched their exciting new ‘It Could Be Sue!’ lottery game. The game will see a name plucked at random by John Blackwell, with the unlucky winner the subject of court action by a bank of highly paid, ass-kicking lawyers working for and on behalf of Lavaflow Ltd. Entry is free – but mandatory – for all people living within a 25 mile radius of the Staffsmart ArenaBowl™.

Officially launching the lottery game, Jon Sotnick said: “I’ve been telling anyone that wants to listen that this club needs additional income flows, or it’s going down big time. All proceeds from ‘It Could Be Sue!’ will be heading into Lavaflow’s coffers, meaning we can loan your shitty football club even more cash! So everyone’s a winner. Except Boston United, and its hapless fans of course.”

The lottery machine picks a name from the electoral roll at random when Blackwell pushes a large red button. The first lottery winner, during last night’s debut show on BUTV, was Mr B Mugfret-Fishhead, of Staffsmart Street, Boston. He was immediately issued with a writ claiming damages in excess of £5.6 million.

Posing with a bottle of lambrini and handcuffed to a burly security officer working for Losealot, the lottery operators, Mr Mugfret-Fishhead remarked: “Run while you can for the love of God. Don’t let your children be next.”

“Despite this lottery game and the billions it will bring to me, we still need a new ground,” Sotnick added.