Boston United’s incoming chairman and part-time style-guru Jim Rodwell has set out his vision for the future of senior football in the town, declaring at a press conference today: “We need new haircuts”.

Fashion conscious Rodwell has blamed the Pilgrims’ current woes on the current proliferation of ASDA George clothing at the Staffsmart MegaDome.

United are already one of the favourites for the drop next season, but Rodwell is determined that, even if the football squad tumble pathetically into the Conference after five brain-chokingly tedious seasons in Coca Cola League Two, his club will dazzle off the pitch.

Rodwell has admitted being totally stunned by the sorry state of fashion sense at Lavaflow and Boston United and warned fans it could be a ‘long and painful road’ to recovery.

“Without naming any names, Steve Evans wears the cheapest Burton suit on match days,” said Rodwell, “and he seems to think JJB Sports is a perfectly adequate fashion boutique for everyday casual wear. Paul Raynor gets his hair cut by Paul Ellender, who himself owns a pair of velcro Hi-Tec trainers.”

Vowing to steady the seemingly terminal decline Rodwell has already overseen the remodelling of Craig Singleton’s wardrobe, with the publicity officer seen sporting Linda Farrow vintage sunglasses while eating his Boots Meal Deal, and flicking crumbs at a emaciated Scott Dalton, in Central Park today. Meanwhile, ticket office comic John Blackwell has been showing off his new hair extensions, complete with subtle blond highlights, to Maureen and, if rumours are to be believed, had his back, sack and crack waxed over the weekend.

Colin Woodcock earlier today

Even BUSA are in on the fashion revolution: Dale Allitt was caught by roving impsTALK reporters shopping in Home Bargains wearing brand new £840 Berluti shoes on Thursday afternoon.

The new chairman was also quick to carry on where his predecessor left off dealing with dissenters, branding BUFCST madman Mark Isaac a ‘fashion disaster’.

“From the odd socks, £1.99 from Officer’s Club, to the drain-pipe Marks and Spencer cords and oversized green fleece, this man is a hazard to good taste,” Rodwell said, adding he would have no hesitation banning any BUFCST officer not wearing vintage Converse from the Staffsmart MegaBowl™.

But Rodwell’s new style-focus has already had a catastrophic effect on the United playing budget for the forthcoming season, with over £745,000 already spent on Fudge hair putty, Aveda hydrating lotion and cosmetic dentistry, alerting the club’s creditors.

HM Customs and Revenue nutcase Bob Gufftrucker told impsTALK: “This is going to be the finest looking bunch of tax dodgers I’ve ever nailed, and almost certainly the best smelling.”