Boston United club chairman Crazee Jimmy Rodwell, desperate to salvage whatever he can from his soon-to-be-liquidated cash cow, has announced the next home fixture with Hereford, if it happens, is to be designated as an official Fan Coin Throwing Day.

Ever eager to join any national bandwagon certain to guarantee them free publicity, United have latched onto the growing problem of fans hurling missiles, mainly low denomination coins, at football players and officials. Realising that, unlike pigs heads, bottles of urine and human excrement, the missiles have instantly redeemable monetary value, cash-strapped Boston are actively promoting the practice ahead of the clash on November 25.

New emergency loan signing?

The problem has reached pandemic levels at all levels of the domestic game. Newport County are poised to be charged by the FAW after a coin hit a match official on Saturday. Meanwhile, Arsenal are facing an FA inquiry after an incident during Sunday’s 3-0 thrashing of Liverpool in which a fan in their Gold Club level seats hit the fourth official with a £50 note, causing a slight paper cut.

The Pilgrims have sought special dispensation from the Football League to replace the squad numbers on the back of the shirts with a large target motif, and the players’ names will be replaced by the encouraging slogan ‘We’re Rubbish - Please Give Generously’. In addition, the United wingers will be permitted to display their usual touchline-hugging magic while holding buckets.

Fans will be encouraged to throw £2, £1 and 50p coins at the players throughout the fixture, although anyone discovered hurling coppers will be ejected from the Staffsmart Dome, the club has warned.

Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead was unimpressed with the idea. “I give any spare change I have to this wretched cider-swilling numpty lolling about in a drunken stupor in Central Park,” he said. “I just don’t have any left to waste on Tim Ryan.”

Meanwhile, in a press conference this afternoon Crazee Jimmy moved to reassure fans that rumours of the club being placed into receivership at the end of the week were completely unfounded.

“It seems whoever had the glass tumbler pressed up against the boardroom door misheard me,” Crazee Jimmy said. “What I actually said was that we need a wide receiver to catch all the coins bound to be thrown at the players. To that end I’ve authorised my little Scottish munchkin to make an approach to the Dallas Cowboys to take Terry Glenn on a month’s emergency loan deal. We need a new ground.”