UEFA officials confirmed to impsTALK today that Steve Evans will be serving a full week’s worth of lunchtime detentions when he returns to complete his ‘A’ coaching badge course with them next week.

The detentions were handed out after prankster Evans previously locked UEFA headmaster Lennart Johansson in an equipment cupboard by jamming a corner flag though the door handles.

Shortly after being apprehended, the troublesome pupil was asked to turn out his blazer pockets and found to be in possession of a catapult, a packet of cigarettes, three stink bombs and £386,000 in used bank notes. Evans, from class 8K, was summoned to Johansson’s office and sullenly admitted the offences, but only after trying to bribe classmate Herbert Adolf Fugger Jnr with three gobstoppers not to ‘grass him up’. Eyewitnesses reported that Evans shouted “I’ll get my brother on you – he does karate!” at Mr Johansson as the sentence of five consecutive lunchtime detentions was passed.

Steve Evans today - Ye wee little ruffian!

Evans must serve the detentions next week between 1.30-2.15pm. He must stand outside the UEFA coach staffroom facing the wall away from further distractions. Coaches have warned Evans' classmates not to 'egg him on', nor must they encourage his misbehaviour.

In a letter home to Evans’ father Jon Sotnick, UEFA reprimanded their unruly pupil stating: “At UEFA we have high expectations of pupil behaviour. Parents should be aware that, although we permit sectarian chanting, ignore racism and turn a blind-eye to cheating, anyone caught acting in such an immature manner as Master Evans will be dealt with most severely.”

But Mr Sotnick roared: “My lad’s guilty of nothing more than a little horseplay. The same thing happened at his last school in Grimsby when my boy was excluded for no reason. Add to that the 18 month suspension he received from another institution and I have every right to think there’s a conspiracy going on. He’s just a scallywag, that’s all.”

UEFA also fined Evans two days’ lunch money, suspended for twenty-eight years.