With the club in freefall, crowds non-existent and an Unsackable Swagbag Steve Evans clinging on for dear life, Boston United chairman Crazee Jimmy Rodwell has today announced an exciting new product for Pilgrims followers: Boston United GOLD!®

Boston United GOLD® will see fans treated to the non-league football they’ve been hankering after for five years in a distinctive retro setting. Fans will be able to enjoy a grisly relegation season in style, watching the Pilgrims plummet like an almost bankrupt stone – just like they used to! The club hopes the retro non-league action will bring old-timer Farmer Dan fans flocking back to the ground they used to call home, beginning with this season’s 92/93 Relegation Reprise promotion, a re-worked adaptation of United’s departure from the GM Vauxhall Conference thirteen years ago.

Pat Malkinson: set to return to fold?

Crazee Jimmy, in his first interview since Swagbag admitted a charge of defrauding the public revenue, told impsTALK in an EXCLUSIVE and totally NON-EDITED interview: “Starting from August 2007, Pilgrims fans will be able to enjoy our exciting new Boston United GOLD® service from the comfort of their seats in the Staffsmart Arena™.

"It seems most of our fans recall the glory Conference years with some affection, so it only seems right we strive to bring Conference football BACK to the Staffsmart Arena™.”

Crazee Jimmy continued: “Last week’s defeat at Accrington was only the start of what we hope will be a big hit with United fans. We know how much they like their non-league football, so no-one can accuse us of not listening to our customers.”

If Boston United GOLD® is a success, Crazee Jimmy confirmed he may consider introducing a premium Boston United GOLD+®, with fans able to watch Unibond League Presidents Cup action.

Rumours that Chris Cook will be forced out of retirement were compounded today by sightings of the United legend being forced to train at gunpoint on Skegness beach by Gee Evans.

“But the real work starts now,” Crazee Jimmy said. “Not only are we hoping that the 92/93 Relegation Reprise will pull in the punters, but Steve Evans will today change his name to Peter Morris by deed poll. Now there’s a pantomime villain if ever there was one. And, of course, the internet didn’t exist in the 80s, so we’ve fired Craig Singleton and, er, dealt with [ex-webmaster] Ken Fox.”

Also returning to the fold will be ex-chairman Pat Malkinson, who will be given an honorary position on the board, alongside boardroom table polisher Colin Woodcock. “And why not?” Crazee Jimmy said. “I can’t think of a single reason why he shouldn’t be back here. Not one.”