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Ten Questions.... David Wardrobe

Boston United's most static fan, David Wardrobe, clambers into the impsTALK hotseat and starts blindly stabbing at some of the extremely important buttons with his large flapping, door-like hands until his answers to the hugely influential end-of-season list thing flop tamely out of our 1991-vintage Epson dot-matrix printer…..

Moment when it first truly hit home that ex-Football league giants were slumming it with part-time tinpot pub teams.
I would have to say when we lost to Harrogate Town. Our first ever loss. I mean, seriously, HARROGATE TOWN. Stop that.

Club where you had to check your normal hilarious banter about rat/dog burgers upon the sudden and somewhat horrific realisation that the burger was indeed a rat/dog patty
I don't eat. I live purely by the goodness and light and warmth of the love in the air at every away ground in the country. Yes. And I'm not lying, neither. Not even a little bit. Are you calling me a liar?

Club with toilets so indescribably dreadful you’d rather let your bladder swell up and pop in a grotesque explosion of urine rather than enter and risk contracting cholera even though a ruptured bladder is actually a very serious medical ailment in its own right
I generally tend to urinate on the chap in front of me (if he has baggy trousers, you can finish, shake, zip up and scuttle off before the dampness finally makes it to his skin), but, I would have to say Burscough. Purely because I go to the same therapist as Ian Hatstand, Kirton, who is still having counselling after using their facilities. The diseases that thrived there were so huge, they actually climbed up the stream of piss and lodged themselves in his winky in the same way that a candiru fish does.


Away support at York Street that most closely resembled the abject, piteous air of a group of captured Polish POWs in World War 2 awaiting their imminent execution next to the trench they’ve just dug in a muddy field two miles north of Gdynia
It's a toss up between the shameful 26 Gainsboro "fans" - I mean, come on, 26 for fecks' sake - or the abomination that was the Leigh RMI support. Does ANYONE? support Leigh? Or is it just all concrete, cold winds and shit football?

Tommy Fackin’ Taylor’s Fackin’ Quote of the Fackin’ Season
"....opening the new Greenwoods store was something we were more than happy to do...." Laugh? LAUGH? I nearly went to Gainsborough!

Biggest pothole encountered (pitch or carpark)
Gainsborough. Oh, sorry, I thought you said shithole.

Your nomination for the 07/08 Andy Butler ‘It Can’t Get Much Worse Than This, We Should Be Tonking These Two Bob Village Outfits’ result of the season
Burscough. I mean, just even the sound of it. Burscough. It sounds like something Sea Lions do before they mate in some kind of ritualistic dance. 'And here comes the male, Burscoughing before he mounts the female'. Burscough. Bah.

07/08 player of the season written in a code only you understand
Crane. Not for the football, but, for being fatter than me and proving that a fatso can make a living legally killing lower league strikers by snapping them in half, biting off their arms and defending corners whilst eating Pot Noodle sandwiches (it took impsTALK's codebreaking hounds 26 minutes to crack this particular cypher - ed)

Best service station
I despise them all in the same way I despise farts that follow through.

Leaving aside for the moment UK law concerning deliberate acts of violence resulting in the death of another person, who, in your blood-crazed fantasies, would you skewer with a ricin-tipped umbrella at a bus-stop if United go belly-up in the summer?
I am not racist, sexist, ageist or any other -ist. I find it much easier to hate everybody equally. But to see Fatso Jock Steal Cheaty McFraud drown in farm slurry, with my foot on his fat sweaty cheating head.... yes.... that would be sweet.


More end of season bobbins....
Duncan Browne
Adam Upsall
Ken Fox
2007/2008 - how was it for you?

Have you got a favourite/worst moment of the season? E-mail us your suggestions to editorial@impsTALK.co.uk and we'll publish the best ones. If we get any.

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