BREAKING NEWS: TAYLOR ANNOUNCES BILLY MARSHALL SIGNING

Boston United boss Tommy Taylor admitted he was 'thrilled' at today's SENSATIONAL capture of United old boy Billy Marshall on a free transfer. 

The powerful hit man, who would have been 109 had he not died in 1966, joins United's injury hit forward ranks and goes straight into the squad for Saturday's not-really-crunch clash against Solihull Motors at York Street.

Speaking at the midday press conference held to unveil the granite forward, Taylor said he had high hopes that Marshall would strike up an instant relationship with his current crop of strikers.

"He'll certainly add something different to the team," Taylor said. "He can play anywhere on the pitch, wherever the groundsman plants him.

"He's got that little something we've been lacking. Stony determination, for starters. He'll give my lazy bunch of showboating chancers a kick up the arse, that's for sure. Well, he will if they fall on him arse first."

Boston United chairman David Newton, who sanctioned the signing, spoke of the affection many United fans still had for Marshall.

“The Spayne Road still talk of him with misty-eyed fondness,” he told impsTALK.co.uk today. “He harks back to a different era altogether. A time before electricity, a smallpox-free planet, the inhumanity of the Second World War - and Dagenham and Redbridge. A better time, in other words.”

Newton added: “Cup of tea please Neil, no sugar. And for God’s sake use the proper milk, not that powdered shit, or I’ll make you count the blades of grass on the pitch again.”

Newboy Marshall himself steadfastly refused to answer questions from the media instead choosing to simply release an inscribed statement.

"Here lies Billy Marshall, 1898-1966," the statement read, before a passing council official, thinking of the little children, deemed him a health hazard and laid him down horizontally on the floor.