impsTALK.co.uk | 2007/2008 News | Club launch new official shop

“I heard the bell at about four in the morning,” Kempster, recounting the discovery to impsTALK, said. “So I rushed from my quarters, collected Brickie and off we went. Once there, she ran off into the distance and when I caught up she was sniffing round a huge object lodged in the sand. At first, with the poor light, I thought it was [Tony] Crane, but on closer inspection I realised it was an abandoned container.

“I didn’t need to be told that this was commercial dynamite. I got straight on the phone to Mr Newton to tell him what I’d found.”

After undergoing an extensive refit, including the repair of rust damage and the removal of a destitute BBC journalist who had been sleeping rough in the container, the Pilgrims’ newest shop will throw open its newly refurbished doors on Saturday morning.

And although many United fans will have to travel to the coast to browse the shop, club officials believe the barren coastal site to be a lucrative market of vast untapped potential.

“Unfortunately at this time we simply haven’t got the cash to lift the container free from the beach, so the opening times are dictated somewhat by the tides,” United chairman David Newton said.

“So basically we’ll be open until you hear a tide warning siren, at which point it’s every man for himself. Except Neil of course. I’ve told him he’ll have to remain behind to guard our stock against looters. I told him there’s nothing like chest-deep North Sea surf to blow away the cobwebs on a dreary winter’s day. It’ll do him good.”

Fears of looting at high tide have grown because Boston United pencil sharpeners are the latest ‘must have’ gift item in the town this year, with some market analysts predicting the club could shift as many as NINE extra Boston United branded pencil sharpeners.

The huge demand for the sharpeners has lead to extra supplies being sourced on the Asian grey markets, but stock levels are still low and some parents are resorting to paying over the odds on e-bay in desperation.

“Morgan wanted a Boston United pencil sharpener for Christmas, and if that’s what Morgan wants, that’s what the selfish, mealy-mouth, whining little fecker gets,” a weary, but still very important, Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK.co.uk today.

“My sharpener arrived in the post today, direct from Bangkok. It’s a relief - although I suspect it’s counterfeit and my £76.32 will be used by gangsters to keep some poor drug-addled under-age prostitute enslaved in an underground sex-ring for another year or so. But so it goes. As long as my Morgan’s happy, my life will be a whole lot quieter.”