Skam Sports
 




Home
2013/2014
Results/Fixtures

Rough Guides
Rough Guide: Opposition
Rough Guide: Club History

Rough Guide: Boston
Rough Guide: Who's Who

Features
Postbag
The Naughties
Classic Service Stations
Inept Defending Of Our Time
My (Bankrupt) FC
Skam Sports
All features

impsTALK stuff
Sponsorship
Fanzine
About impsTALK
Contact us
Sites we like

Archive
2011/2012

2010/2011
2009/2010
2008/2009
2007/2008
2006/2007
2005/2006
2004/2005
Older seasons

 
BOSTON ANNOUNCE NEW CLUB SHOP

Boston United have today announced the opening of a SECOND branch of their official club shop after an old shipping container was found washed ashore at Gibraltar Point in the early hours of Thursday (today) morning.

The container is believed to have been lost overboard from a Danish cargo ship that sank with the loss of all hands in the North Sea during a severe storm in 2005 - and its discovery couldn’t have been better timed.

The beached container was unearthed by Boston United vice-chairman Neil Kempster, who had been instructed to take chairman David Newton’s dog for a bracing early morning stroll along the seafront.

“I heard the bell at about four in the morning,” Kempster, recounting the discovery to impsTALK, said. “So I rushed from my quarters, collected Brickie and off we went. Once there, she ran off into the distance and when I caught up she was sniffing round a huge object lodged in the sand. At first, with the poor light, I thought it was [Tony] Crane, but on closer inspection I realised it was an abandoned container.

“I didn’t need to be told that this was commercial dynamite. I got straight on the phone to Mr Newton to tell him what I’d found.”

After undergoing an extensive refit, including the repair of rust damage and the removal of a destitute BBC journalist who had been sleeping rough in the container, the Pilgrims’ newest shop will throw open its newly refurbished doors on Saturday morning.

And although many United fans will have to travel to the coast to browse the shop, club officials believe the barren coastal site to be a lucrative market of vast untapped potential.

“Unfortunately at this time we simply haven’t got the cash to lift the container free from the beach, so the opening times are dictated somewhat by the tides,” United chairman David Newton said.

“So basically we’ll be open until you hear a tide warning siren, at which point it’s every man for himself. Except Neil of course. I’ve told him he’ll have to remain behind to guard our stock against looters. I told him there’s nothing like chest-deep North Sea surf to blow away the cobwebs on a dreary winter’s day. It’ll do him good.”

Fears of looting at high tide have grown because Boston United pencil sharpeners are the latest ‘must have’ gift item in the town this year, with some market analysts predicting the club could shift as many as NINE extra Boston United branded pencil sharpeners.

The huge demand for the sharpeners has lead to extra supplies being sourced on the Asian grey markets, but stock levels are still low and some parents are resorting to paying over the odds on e-bay in desperation.

“Morgan wanted a Boston United pencil sharpener for Christmas, and if that’s what Morgan wants, that’s what the selfish, mealy-mouth, whining little fecker gets,” a weary, but still very important, Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK.co.uk today.

“My sharpener arrived in the post today, direct from Bangkok. It’s a relief - although I suspect it’s counterfeit and my £76.32 will be used by gangsters to keep some poor drug-addled under-age prostitute enslaved in an underground sex-ring for another year or so. But so it goes. As long as my Morgan’s happy, my life will be a whole lot quieter.”


Copyright © 2002-2014 impsTALK.co.uk | Contact impsTALK