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PILGRIMS SAVED

Boston United’s future appears to have been secured after an extraordinary last minute deal struck with HMRC.

The agreement with the club’s main creditor was reached late last week ending, temporarily at least, months of uncertainty surrounding the York Street outfit.

The news was announced by Chairman David Newton before the Hyde United game on Saturday – but impsTALK can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Newton was so convinced the club was set to fold, he’d already prepared a draft speech announcing the demise of the Pilgrims.


The HMRC van pictured speeding down Main Ridge East moments after dumping Kempster

In fact, the club was only saved by a last-gasp agreement after Newton dispatched vice-chairman Neil Kempster to HMRC HQ in Worthing to ‘sort out’ the small matter of a settlement of the club’s hilarious Company Voluntary Agreement.

An anonymous eyewitness, who wished only to be referred to as Boston United FC press officer Craig Singleton, took impsTALK aside in the Pescod Square multi-storey car park to reveal the details of the astonishing deal struck with HMRC.

Singleton explained in detail how Kempster was ordered down south on Tuesday afternoon.

“Basically, David rang the bell in his office, and Neil [Kempster] dropped the mop – he was swilling out the showers as normal - and reported to the chairman’s office. He was then issued with strict instructions.”

impsTALK understands Newton told Kempster to ‘go sort something out with the Revenue - quick smart’ and handed his vice-chairman a single rail fare to Worthing.

Newton was apparently so convinced he’d never hear from his vice-chairman again that he began writing what he felt would be the grim death knell for the Pilgrims ahead of a planned on pitch announcement ahead of the Hyde game.

“It was going to be bad news,” Singleton said. “So Newton told [kit-man] Jason Hatfield he’d have to read it on his behalf - and he was going to go watch Lincoln City at Morecambe."

Meanwhile, nothing was heard of Kempster until late Thursday afternoon, when a sinister black van sped down York Street.

“It must have been doing at least 50mph,” said important York Street resident Bob Mugfret-Fishhead. “The back doors flew open and Kempster was pushed out.”

Kempster staggered to Newton’s office sporting three black eyes, ten broken ribs, a shredded suit and ‘BEG YOU BITCH’ scrawled across his forehead in black marker pen.

“Sorted - we’re saved,” he is reported to have told Newton, before collapsing to the floor.

Singleton added: “After he’d come around, Kempster asked if he should tell the fans that a deal had been reached, but David just said thanks for the effort - but he’d do that bit. And could murder a cup of tea.”

Of the settlement itself, Kempster was reluctant to elaborate, choosing instead to sit in a corner of the United boardroom, rocking gently back and forth and muttering: "Seven red coconuts, playing with the zebras" over and over while looking into the distance with a glassy-eyed stare.

Reaction to United's unlikely salvation
"Have that you worthless feckers, I knew you'd fold, you worthless feckers! Think you can get one over Little Jimmy eh, you feckers? Fecking feckers! You're all scum! Scum I tell you! Take that, you miserable, worthless feckers! No! No! I won't go back in the box, I won't!" - original architect of the doomed CVA, Little Jimmy, speaking from his villa on an exclusive gated community in the Cayman Islands.

"To say this is a great moment in United's recent history is an insult to Steve Evans and what Steve Evans achieved at Boston. They were nothing until Steve Evans arrived and handed the wonderful fans, who still adore Steve Evans, the success they craved. Steve Evans firmly believes this ranks way below the record points tally of 61 that Steve Evans achieved on a budget that was 650% smaller than anyone else in League Two at the time, and all this while Steve Evans was set-up by the Malkinsons despite the judge saying Steve Evans was 5% guilty and Steve Evans' family being disturbed by phone calls in the middle of the night. But Steve Evans is still Boston United's messiah - of that Steve Evans is convinced" - Steve Evans and current Crawley Town 'manager'

"Bloody rubbish. All of 'em. They can get rid o'that bloody Nuttell for staaaarters. I 'ad a caaaart'orse as old as him once. I pithed the bugger int'ead - 'ee were useless. Get rid of 'im! 'Ed be quicker in a bloody wheelchair. And that Southern nancy boy Taylor - I bet 'e caaan't 'old his beer. All the same those bloody Cockneys. Bloody rubbish, t'lot of 'em. Booo" - Farmer Dan the Boston Fan

"I can't comment because I'm a Big Proper Chairman in waiting with a consortium and everything. And even though I'm a terrible football chairman who spinelessly absolved himself of any responsibility for Boston United despite personally presiding over a planning application that resembled the half-witted scribblings of an small baboon that had just broken into the cupboard containing the crystal meth, I'd just like to give myself a big pat on the back and look forward to fucking up Sheffield Wednesday. I need a new job" - sinister Sheffield Wednesday consortium head-honcho Jon Sotnick

"How incredibly fortunate" - Lucky Competition Winner Doug Hutson

"Can I have my job back with the Official matchday magazine yet? No? Well I didn't want it anyway. In fact, you can stick it up your arse, you fuc- why are you handcuffing me? Get off!"
- ex-matchday magazine contributor and part-time BBC Radio Cumbria phone-in pest, Scott Dalton

"Boston United? Blimey. That takes me back" - Boston speedway boss Dale Allitt

"Boston United? Blimey. That takes me back" - ex-boardroom table polisher Colin Woodcock

"Fuck" - Kent-based malcontent Mark Isaac

CVA: His fault


Farmer Dan the Boston Fan


Crawley 'manager' Steve Evans

EXCLUSIVE! Newton's first speech notes in full

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