INTERPOL: NOT REALLY GOING TO BOTHER INVESTIGATING SOUTHPORT ATROCITY, BUT THANKS ANYWAY

Interpol and UEFA have confirmed they are in receipt of a dossier handed to them yesterday by Boston United detailing an act of UNSPEAKABLE unsporting behaviour perpetrated by VILE Southport FC in a vital Blue Square North league match.

The document describes an act of DESPICABLE and SICKENING cheating, the likes of which hasn’t been seen at York Street since Steve Evans was manager.

Cheating FUCKERS Southport won yesterday’s game in highly controversial circumstances, robbing BRAVE Boston of a highly deserved point after not returning the ball to the home side at a drop ball. They scored moments after the incident, condeming the PLUCKY home side to their fourth straight defeat in all competitions.

Furious United officials immediately set about reporting Southport to Interpol and UEFA, with chairman David Newton ordering vice-chairman Neil Kempster out of bed and into the office this morning at 3am to prepare and send a dossier to the relevant authorities - and hoover the VP lounge while he was there.

“I’m so tired I’m really struggling to recall the incident, even though it was barely twelve hours ago,” a bleary-eyed Kempster admitted. “I just do what David tells me.”

Kempster finally sent the document - a detailed incident report, i.e match report written by Craig Singleton, and a sketch of the incident - to Interpol and UEFA at 8am this morning (Sunday) after falling asleep as he forked the pitch, as instructed, in total darkness and bitter winds.

UEFA confirmed to impsTALK that they had received the document. “We have fax, yes, but Monsieur Platini dropped some cheese and chive dip on it,” a blazer-wearing, sausage-roll chomping spokesman said. “It is Euro 2008 draw today. There is much buffet to yet prepare. Call us later.”

International law enforcement agency Interpol were also sent the document. “We take matters regarding cheating and/or the fixing of competitive matches highly seriously,” Interpol said in a statement this morning. “But this ‘Blue Square’ league you speak of – it is not competitive, no? Thanks, but we need to catch a few more terrorist cells and we'll get back to you."

Boston United fans of all ages will await the investigation with interest. Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK: “In thirty years following Boston United, I’ve only seen this kind of unsporting behaviour every other week. It’s disgraceful. I attempted to have a quiet little chat with a Southport fan after the game to discuss the issue, but I was dragged off the metal fence by a steward. They confiscated the chainsaw too. I need a new chainsaw.”