Chris Taylor, FCUM supporter and blogger Freelance writer Chris answers impsTALK's probing (and not so probing) questions on the forthcoming season.... Who is going to walk away with the 2008/2009 NPL title? How should I know? I've barely even heard of most of the teams in the division, let alone formed any sort of opinion on the relative strengths and weaknesses of their players. And then there's the issue of whether or not I even know what constitutes a good player anyway. But working on the premise that they're the only team I've heard of, and they were playing seventy divisions higher last season, I'll have to say your lot will win it.

impsTALK in gratuitous FCUM/Man Utd dig shock

What are your realistic expectations for FCUM?
This is the first time in our short history where I haven't immediately assumed we'd be champions in May. Or April. Or whenever the season ends. I'd take a season or two of consolidation in this division, until we get our stadium sorted, otherwise we'll really struggle at GM Vauxhall Blue Square Conference North Level. So, errrr, seventh. With a couple of good cup runs for the money.

Which away trip are you most looking forward to?
Boston or Kendal. Boston because it's practically another country - it'll be nice to travel further afield than West sodding Yorkshire. And Kendal because it's dead scenic and that.

Which team do you most want to see Boston absolutely tear apart 12-0?
Bradford Park Avenue. No contest. And if anyone in this division has an answer other than 'Bradford Park Avenue' for this question, then they haven't spent any time in their company. We've got a banner at FC United that reads 'Making Friends Not Millionaires' and there's far too much of this fair-minded, even-handed bullshit going on. I think it's a gag reflex from our 'Arrogant Reds' days at Big United.

We want to be seen to be all warm and cuddly and lovely. And because of this a lot of our fans go gymnastically out of their way to not be horrible to teams and in some cases even see good where there is none. Yet despite this, BPA are almost universally loathed. And it's almost exclusively down to their utter weapon of a 'chief exec', Bob 'The General' Blackburn.

What's the worst joke you've ever heard?
Q. What's got two legs and bleeds?
A. Half a dog.

Actually, that's fucking brilliant, isn't it?

Tell us something about FCUM we wouldn't be able to find out from browsing Wikipedia.
We can claim Will Mellor as our celebrity fan. Sort of. Kinda. Well, not really. He's Rhodri Giggs's mate and came to a couple of our games. But in the absence of anyone else, he'll have to do.

Ken Bates. Tim Lovejoy. A gun. One bullet. Discuss.
Sir Fergalot was asked this about Wenger and Posh Spice at some charity do a few years ago, his reply was "Can I not have two bullets?" or something. But that shows a startling lack of imagination, I reckon. Personally, in this instance, I'd shoot Ken Bates through his hideous, smug, bearded face, then pistol-whip Tim Lovejoy with the gun until he collapsed and drowned in a pool of his own blood and snot.

Which away trip would you happily gouge your own eyes out to avoid?
I don't reckon I'll be going to Ilkeston. The best thing about the place - The American Adventure Theme Park - was still fucking shit. And it's closed now anyway.

Which is your favourite ship built by the world famous Cammell Laird shipyard?
The 'Ma Roberts'. It was the World's first steel ship and was built for Dr Livingstone's Zambezi expedition.

Who is going to be FCUM's key player this season?
Tough to say, really. But it's a safe bet he left this summer.

Hey, hang on a minute, this has all been an elaborate ruse, hasn't it? Is this Bob Blackburn's way of scouting his next twenty-two signings without having to leave the comfort of his 20,000 capacity front room?

Essential links - It'll Be Off