impsTALK.co.uk | 2008/2009 Predictions

Richard O. Smith, comedian
Legendary Boston United fanzine From Behind Your Fences is sadly defunct, but with the pageantry and fanfare one might associate with a Spice Girls reunion world tour, impsTALK has wheeled out FBYF’s editor, Richard O. Smith, to take part in our pre-season predictionisation feature. And while we’re at it, we’ll just give a quick plug to Richard’s Oxford Walks tour and his recent article on the UK’s Premier Comedy Website™ impsT- oh, sorry, no, for some reason we didn’t scoop that prize. Our mistake. No, it was actually Chortle…..

Who is going to walk away with the 2008/2009 NPL title?
Wigan Athletic – in my experience the NPL is usually a two horse race between Wigan and ourselves, so I’ll cautiously predict that Wigan will finish in a higher league position than us this season. What?!

What are your realistic expectations for Boston?
Tricky to predict given that we're now residing in a league where we’ll be competing against sides that probably won't have matching shorts & socks.

Which away trip are you most looking forward to?
Are Scarborough still in it? Oh, really! What happened to them? Did they? Wow - that's a bit of a worry. Still, at least going from being a dominant force in the 1970s NPL, to Conference founder members and stalwarts, then progressing to Conference champions with the resultant rewarded status of the Football League, managing successfully to hold onto Football League status for a few years, then a spectacular tumble back down the Conference, then Conference North, to NPL, before being ruined by vast unaddressed debts isn't in any way allegorical to Boston. Oh. I. See.

Which team do you most want to see Boston absolutely tear apart 12-0?
Given our local rivals have regressed downwards from Grimsby to Lincoln to Kettering to Gainsborough to Grantham to Stamford... who is it now? Immingham Under 13 Sea Scouts - do we play them this season (oh, not since they got promoted, apparently).

What's the worst joke you've ever heard?
Oh I can’t remember. It was probably when I was slightly late for a game and remarked: “Sorry we’re a bit late tonight. We had a puncture on the way here: there was a fork in the road.” (I write for Radio 4 you know).

Who would win in a game of Monopoly: sinister ex-Boston chairman Jon Sotnick or sinister Bradford Park Avenue(1988) chairman Bob Blackburn?
I'm not sure the game would ever attain conclusion. Rather than the traditional prioritisation of dark blue property acquisition, these players would no doubt focus on collecting all the public utilities and railways first, so they could be transferred to private ownership - and then asset stripped and ruined. Furthermore, it would probably be impossible to find any untampered Chance or Community Chest cards - i.e. "it's your birthday, arrange Nazis to spank you".

Also, there’s a higher probability that the game would never start, given both players would insist on being the banker, and commence liberally stuffing oodles of cash down their shirt. Plus, whenever a player landed on the “Pay Income Tax” square, nothing would be forthcoming. Then they’d insist on building houses absolutely everywhere – on the Free Parking space and all over the middle of the playing area.

Also, both players would insist that the future of Monopoly was untenable without an immediate switch to a new playing board – with the new board no longer conveniently located on the dining room table, but a 3 minute bus journey away.

Already justifiably derided for its long playing time, this Monopoly game would be endless given the vast amount of time both players would spend in jail.

Will you be taking the Harry Ramsden's fish and chip challenge in Guiseley? If so, provide an estimate of time elapsed between first forkful and last forkful, to the nearest second.
Given the over-fished scarcity of cod these days - it would probably just be chips ‘n’ chips - so about 3-5 seconds.

Which away trip would you happily gouge your own eyes out to avoid?
Have Frickley still got that slag heap? Actually, I clearly haven’t though this through, given their “ground” didn’t comprise of anything but the slag heap. And when it rains, it acts as a dam wall, with Frickley’s pitch as the reservoir. Horrid place.

Which is your favourite ship built by the world famous Cammell Laird shipyard?
Eeek... this quiz appears to have got very hard and transmogrified into Mastermind.

Who is going to be Boston's key player this season?
Since we’re in the NPL again, I’m hoping for a big season from Jim Kabia & Bobby Svarc. Good to see we’ve re-signed Jo(h)n Froggatt – the last time he was at York Street (see how I’m never going to call it the Staffsmart Stadium) he scored a lot of goals in the NPL, so hopefully he’ll replicate that again this year. I’ve seen Froggatt’s photo on website, and he doesn’t appear to have aged much since he was last here in the 70’s NPL tenure.

Will we be having those amber shirts with wide, flapping lapels and a black V-neck again, accessorised with de rigueur mullets and sideburns. Will the players’ profile in the programme reveal a propensity towards consuming Watney’s Red Barrel and Double Diamond, with steak & chips? Will they be reintroducing the letters on the advertising hoardings at half time, where some unpaid ball boy puts up numbers next to letters, which can only be decoded with either an Enigma machine or a match day programme - although you could usually guess, as if Aston Villa were at home they’d be “A”, although “B” if Arsenal were at home too. Sometimes less successful code breakers, evidently without programme consultation, would announce: “A = three zero, so looks like Man Utd are 3-0 down at Aldershot”.

By Richard O. Smith