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TERRIFYING PUPPET TAKES OVER AT COUNTY
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LITTLE JIMMY: "I'M BACK, YOU WORTHLESS FECKERS!"
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NEW CHANT FOR COUNTY FANS: "I HAD A WHEELBARROW, THE WHEEL WAS USED AS COLLATERAL IN A BIZARRE BUSINESS DEAL IN THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KOREA BEFORE BEING ISSUED WITH A WINDING-UP ORDER BY HMRC AND PLACED INTO RECEIVERSHIP"

Welcome to Nottingham: Little Jimmy

STILL REELING from a disastrous period under the stewardship of a bunch of delusional fly-by-night cowboys inexplicably hell-bent on the annihilation of a small-time lower league side who like to pretend Nottingham Forest are their local rivals, Notts County fans today welcomed with open arms their latest saviours: the delusional ex-chairman of a no-name, small-time outfit who like to pretend Forest are their local rivals, and a new chief executive who just happens to be a fly-by-night cowboy with a proven track record in the inexplicable annihilation of no-name lower league sides while lending his public support to criminals.

"Seriously, you’ve got nothing to be worried about," new chairman Ray Trew assured the fans this morning from the boardroom, as, together with incoming chief executive Jim Rodwell, he picked through the mountains of abandoned paperwork and assorted wreckage left behind by the fleeing Peter Trembling. "Nothing it all," he repeated, his voice trailing off as, from beneath a mountain of unattended facsimiles and unopened utility bills, he retrieved a locked briefcase from which a pair of bloodstained handcuffs dangled.

In a dramatic few days at a club hardly lacking in drama over the past few months, Trew and Rodwell snatched control of Meadow Lane from the farcical rule of Peter Trembling and, before him, Munto Finance - a completely made-up company that everyone apart from the FA, the Football League, the Notts County Supporters Trust, ex-not-bad-manager Sven Goran Eriksson and the more morbidly retarded of Notts County supporters realised was an epic fiction within fourteen seconds of hearing their plans for world domination last year.

The pair now have the unenviable task of trying to salvage Notts County's off-field financial situation while maintaining the club's push for promotion to League One. It is a task in which they will, no doubt, enjoy the unquestioning support of a sizable majority of unthinking Notts County fans who, when faced with a very real opportunity to run the club in a sustainable fashion with the local community at its core, divided into opposing factions of bickering Trust members and anti-Trust forum trolls - the sides only uniting in order to give their 'beloved' club a hearty kick up the arse into the hands of a gang of charlatans who refused to give their names, as though that was completely normal, non-totally-suspicious behaviour.

Munto's legacy: a revamped Meadow Lane honours Notts County legend

As confirmation of the takeover and Trembling's departure was finally confirmed officially today, a crowd of six vociferous Notts County fans gathered in force at the gates to Meadow Lane to celebrate the arrival of their new owners and burn effigies of Guardian journalists David Conn and Matt Scott.

"People have had it in for us for months, but they are just jealous," one supporter said, lifting his shirt to proudly show off a chest tattoo of Lee Hughes. "But now we’re going to show them! We’re really going places. The High Court, admittedly, but when was the last time Forest were famous? 1989? Boo yah, you fuckers!"

Looking down on the supporters from the chairman's office was Ray Trew, the successful Midlands-based businessman who has been seeking a route back into football since his acrimonious departure from Lincoln City. Speaking under the watchful gaze of a mysterious giant mural of Kim Jong II, Trew outlined his vision for the beleaguered League Two side, which currently has a HMRC winding-up order hanging over its head as well as the unwanted stigma of being a greater national laughing stock than Kerry Katona and Chester City combined.

"Phase One, we launch as a PLC," Trew told impsTALK, sticking a pencil in his ear and placing a pair of H&M hipster briefs on his head. "Phase Two, I haven’t figured out yet. Ask Jim [Rodwell]. He knows all about the implementation of a Phase Two. Look around you, though. I bought all this for a quid. A quid! That’s only marginally more expensive than a Greggs sausage and bean melt."

In the office next door, Jim Rodwell sifted through more Munto detritus: unused North Korean visas, copies of the Caymanian Compass and surveillance photos of David Conn collecting milk from his doorstep in his pants. Does Jim Rodwell think his past experience as chairman of hapless Boston United, 30-odd miles and, in a fashion sense, several decades away down the A52, tarnish his image as a potential saviour of the solar system's oldest club?

"I learned a lot of things at Boston," Rodwell admitted. "Criminal and insolvency law, mainly. I know a lot of people viewed me with suspicion after I accidentally left my phone unlocked and leant on Gerald Krasner’s speed-dial button just as we went 3-1 down at Wrexham. But it was a genuine, honest mistake. A complete coincidence. I didn’t realise it was a phone. I thought it was Steve Evans’ make-up box.

"But for me personally, coming here represents a real opportunity. It means I can put Boston behind me. It means I can get a decent haircut for starters, preferably one costing £40 from a South American on an illegal visa."

Meanwhile, Rodwell has already programmed the phone number of Notts County’s official receiver into his mobile phone, but he insists it is purely ‘a precautionary measure’.

Little Jimmy Rodwell: Nottingham-bound

Also visiting Meadow Lane today was FA spokesman Sir Huthbert Buffet-Blazer and Football League Regulatory Compliance Officer Harold Gravy-Train, who, after lengthy discussions with the new owners of the club, said they were both ‘more than satisfied’ with the generous platter laid on by Notts County.

Buffet-Blazer told impsTALK: “I must say that Mr Trew and Mr Rodwell have provided me with a quite sublime array of vol-au-vents, finger nibbles and cocktail sausages. And the chicken liver pate was simply marvellous.

"I want the fans to be under absolutely no illusion here: the FA is whole-heartedly committed to fully auditing member clubs to ensure they are able to meet their buffet-providing obligations to the football family. We leave no cheese stick unturned, no mini Cornish pasty uneaten. I am delighted to see the progress made here at Meadow Lane. All seems to be in order, so my work here is done."

"It is imperative that in the current climate and in light of the problems clubs are having across the divisions that we focus on the important matters," Gravy-Train concurred. "Is it acceptable to serve cheese and chive dip with crisps that are already cheese flavoured? Could a League club offer baked alternatives to Kettle Chips?

"These are the really serious issues we at the Football League are addressing. And the fans can be assured that, even if their clubs fail in even these most basic of requirements, we'll just keep granting them extensions, dispensations and more extensions until they do eventually get the right type of mini-Scotch eggs in. Because that's how we roll."

When asked to comment on the suggestion that County’s precarious financial predicament was due in no small part to his organisation’s shameful acquiescence in the face of spurious and entirely false assurances made by a fictional organisation, Mark Jenkins, deputy vice-chairman of the Notts County Supporters Trust, told impsTALK: “No idea. But we’ll do whatever Ray Trew wants us to. Serve. Obey. Obey. Obey.”

Jenkins then pulled his trousers down, bent over a barrel and invited the world’s fifth favourite Boston United website to violently fuck him up the arse in exchange for a vaguely worded statement saying something somewhere might turn out okay.

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