by JAMES WATSON
Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Beep, Convulsion, Splutter. "You have called the official G.M. Vauxhall Conference line for results and news. For Football League news read "Match", the up-to-date soccer magazine out every Wednesday. And the headlines tonight ..."
These words, now traditionally followed by news of more Christian mauling at Darlington (needless to say those heathens from Runcorn came away with a point - there again their back four would make even the most dedicated of lions pause for though) are stamped indelibly on the psyche of every non-league fan. But are we getting our money's worth. Are we being treated as telephone fodder every bit as much as turnstile fodder? In the best traditions of investigative journalism, "FBYF" asks for the consumer, whether the service is cheap and cheerful or exploitative and expensive? And what does psyche mean anyway?
The first thing to say is that at least the Conference now enjoys sufficient popular interest to make the service viable at all. The dark old days of league re-election ballots, 2 points for a home win and Gateshead are not really that old at all - however they're far removed from the glossy new image that the Conference now enjoys and which presumably persuaded someone to open the line.
However, recent years have also brought other media developments - most notably the carrying of results on Grandstand, ITV's results service, Sportsnight, Ceefax and Oracle (incidentally, get with it Radio 2 - you're lagging behind on this one). So the question is begged, who needs the service?
And the answer seems to be the long-suffering away fan who, unless he can find an electrical shop in the ten minutes between final whistle and final score (and you'd be hard pushed to find civilisation within ten minutes by Concord of Fisher's ground) has only the phone line to tell him how many places Boston's latest triumph has lifted them up the league, which is where the catch really comes, for what the adverts don't tell you is that the rate actually doubles when using a pay-phone to a massive 50p per minute off peak..
On the rare occasions that a game is missed and Radio Lines cannot be picked up, ringing the line can be a truly horrific experience. Finding out (twice) by phone that your team has lost in the 3rd qualifying round of the F.A. Cup is rather like learning of the death of a close relative by television news. Such information needs to be broken gently, when surrounded by friends to confront you for shock, not revealed alone when you are wrecked with guilt and feelings of "If only I'd been there it would have been different, surely I could have done something".
The Conference line tends to be slightly more slick and professional but one barely believable blunder occurred last month on the night of the Bob Lord Trophy tie between Kidderminster and Darlington. Kiddy's 3-1 victory was reported as being in the Conference - the headline described it as a "real dent to Darlington's championship ambitions". They somewhat sheepishly covered for their mistake the next day when reporting that "it was originally thought that this was a league game." Not by most people it wasn't.
by JAMES WATSON
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All content copyright Richard O. Smith 1988-2002