Cliches even bigger and more horrible were provided by the "Person you would most like to meet", which was always "whoever presents the F.A. Trophy at Wembley", a remark which was repeated with the same reluctance and opposition to change as James Alexander Gordon's style of reading the football results, though an imaginative Gavin Ottewell professed that the person he would most like to meet was "no one in particular, really."

Colin Garwood (8/9/82) listed the person he would most like to meet, with barely concealed hostility, as "the opposing team supporter who slashed my tires at Peterborough". Other notables include Paul Richardson's being "a happy Dave Cusack at half-time" (surprisingly rated above the presenter of his Redbridge Forest sign-on fee), and Paul Casey who shamelessly used the question to express a wholly plausible desire to meet a man with whom ... (er....a slight pause while we search for an appropriate, distinctly non-enemy-making euphemism...) an earlier disagreement had resulted in a restriction of the former's liberty.

Wacky, anything-goes footballers' humour usually ensures that either the "Favourite Drink" or "Person Most Like To Meet" category would be used to jibe a team mate who was considered reluctant to buy a round (i.e. "any drink bought by Jonesy, Smithy or Browny" was the stock answer; this joke has been handed down from each generation of footballers to the next one, to such an extent that even Jimmy Tarbuck might acknowledge that perhaps the joke was now getting perhaps a little too stale to use).

Another rarely justified category is the "Biggest Disappointment", given the enormous scope for amusing anecdotes which ought to be forthcoming under this subject. Perhaps oddest of all was Richard Dawson, who provided an obvious clue into the lack of team spirit at Scarborough in the mid-80's by listed his biggest disappointment as "winning the Bob Lord Trophy with Scarborough" (programme v. Kidderminster 22/8/87).

Whereas we interpret the question "What is your ambition" as being a self-explanatory question, pro-footballers evidently interpret this to mean "now say something really boring". Thus multitudes of "to get promotion to the 4th Division" are unimaginatively reeled-off. Only Jack McGinley deserted this trait and listed his ambition as a teasing "already done it"; a post-match questioning of our Jack failed to prise open the locked information, though when I asked him if it involved one girl underneath and two on either side, he replied "you're close".

Another missed opportunity is the "Dislikes" - most plummet for "arrogant, ignorant, rude or bad mannered people/George Kerr". This almost certainly refers to referees. Sadly players are not asked for a listing of their favourite films -Trevor Parr could have offered all sorts of clues to psychologists about the formative years of a developing serial killer, had they read his "Rambo, Kung Fu, murder thrillers" entries.

Equally regrettable is the dispensed "Favourite Music" category, which enabled Boston fans to see that their heroes had a real Van Gogh's ear for music, with George Benson, Dire Straits and ELO seemingly singlehandedly relying on pro-footballers for their record sales, according to early 80's programmes. During the programme produced on 12/9/81, Brendan Phillips listed his favourite singers as "Bob Marley and the Whalers'', thus creating a hitherto previously unseen connection between peaceful reggae music and cruel slaughter.

Another strange category, which belonged purely to the 87-88 season, was the requesting of interviewees to list which newspaper they read. An unsurprisingly multitude of "Sun" and "Mirror" were forthcoming, though Doug Newton set himself apart by confessing that he only took "The Financial Times".

After match routines received answers frequently coupled with the "Likes" section, during which the virtues of an evening out with friends are readily extolled. Former Pilgrims custodian Billy Millar listed his after match routine as "a few beers with the boys and then a few more with the wife afterwards" (v. Gainsborough 25/11/87) and incidentally also elaborated his "Biggest Disappointment" as "not joining Boston United 10 years earlier" (phew!! Close one, eh?).

Whereas in previous years this category was responsible for a gushing tap of banalities, it has now seemingly been sufficiently reduced to just an occasionally irritating drip. Perhaps the most specific of all the listed post-match routines was provided by Vaughnie (v. Bath 28/11/87) who stated his "After Match Routine" as "have a bath and then get dressed" (yes, really! Check it yourself, then.)

Superstitions received a listing for the first time this season, and have, thus far, proved to be particularly ennui-forming. Instead of anyone listing theirs as having an argument with Cusack, it was left to Steve Adams to provide both the funniest and most sensible superstition: "don't jump out of an aeroplane without a parachute". Indeed full marks to Adams who employed the dual-headed approach to his "Player Profile" of playing it for straight laughs and to annoy visiting Northwich fans. And to think that ageing T.V. pundits continue to lament the lack of characters in the contemporary game....