>> 2008/09 >> Rough
Guide > Ilkeston Town
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– Who knows?
Concessions – No idea
Kids – Your guess is as good as ours
the hell are Ilkeston FC?
no. Dear God. No. Not this lot again.
mere mention of ‘Ilkeston’ stirs unwanted memories of
FA Cup defeat in 1997; the stunningly bad defending,
the bleak, apocalyptic surroundings, the elderly Boston fan being
punched by some local idiots after the game, Paul Cavell, the disgraceful
racist abuse meted out to Leroy Chambers by the massed ranks of
knuckle-dragging losers behind the goal. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
hey, we’re sure that the many morons we encountered eleven
years ago only crept out of the woodwork for the glory Cup game.
And besides, Ilkeston are owned by a gazillionaire now, one
that makes Jon Sotnick look like a penniless pauper.
Step forward, Mr Chek Whyte. Chek Whyte is not merely a very
wealthy local property developer. He’s actually one of
the richest men in the UK and was the subject of a Channel Four
documentary called ‘The Secret Millionaire’.
He also appears to be some kind of visionary urban designer
who has managed to whip the members of the Skyscraper City website
into frenzied excitement by drafting up plans to construct Nottingham’s
first skyscraper. The plans call for a 50-floor glass and concrete
beast of a tower - just slightly shorter than the Frickley
slag mountain - that Whyte has provisionally dubbed,
with a degree of modesty not normally witnessed in football
chairmen, the ‘Chek Whyte Tower’.
The only way is up.
despite the cash rich owner, no-one appears to have had the foresight
to set up an official website for Ilkeston Town FC, so other than
telling you that the club was established 1945 we have absolutely
nothing to say about them. Which, frankly, is fine by us, because
what do you care if they won the Midland Alliance Combination on
goal difference in the 68/69 season – if indeed, they did?
scamp Lee Thompson signed for the Robins at the end of last season.
was perhaps best known for the American Adventure theme park.
now mercifully closed, it’s a wonder that the park wasn’t
shut down by trading standards officers decades earlier since
the park was (a) not actually American nor (b) even slightly
site of the old park, which has been partly demolished, now
and deserted, visited only by urban explorers
with names like Oxygen Thief and The Silent Night, light-painting
the night away with preposterously expensive digital cameras.
No doubt the site will soon be redeveloped into a large retail
park featuring a large Homebase and a Frankie and Benny's.
Where's yer theme park gone?
Where do they keep getting caught offside?
there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will gather on the
terraces at New Manor Park,” a character in a well-known
seminal horror movie did not actually say, ever. But he might as
our memories of the ground are somewhat clouded by visions of hundreds
(by which we mean a dozen - tops) of grunting Neanderthals baying
for Bostonian blood, but we can’t say that a trip to Ilkeston
should be viewed as anything other than an absolute necessity borne
from unbridled and unswerving support of the Pilgrims. Arrive, endure
the defeat and retreat - swiftly. Hopefully the locals will have
mellowed a little, but don’t bank on it.
Ilkeston still as dangerous?
impsTALK is based in Nottingham, it tends to avoid Ilkeston whenever
possible. Why? Because it’s a pothole.
From personal experience, not even people from Ilkeston (and we know
enough) attempt to pretend otherwise – although admittedly it’s
not as much as a pothole as Shirebrook.
many in the area, Ilkeston is yet another deprived town ruined by
the decline and eventual collapse of heavy industry, with the usual
local suspects disappearing over the years: coal mining, textiles
etc etc and so on.
Again, not exactly the town’s fault, but such empathetic socio-economic
understanding is unlikely to help you as six emaciated addicts sink
their knives into your face, steal your wallet and use your hard
earned cash to buy heroin. And if you think we’re scaremongering,
you’re right. We are.
Eastood/Aaaaystwood, some of the more senior townsfolk still converse
in some kind of ancient Middle English dialect unique to this nook
of the Midlands. Even that is now dying out, with the local young
scallywags preferring instead to conduct their communication exclusively
via Bebo, cuz dat is wat itz all bt, u git me? Or at least, they
do when they’re not in court or lying in a ditch bleeding
to death after their latest smack-deal-gone-bad. Or maybe we've
just mistaken Ilkeston for Bestwood.
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