Comedy (ex)copper

Interview time! And Steve Evans sends out Paul Raynor to do the talking! The man who has no fears of phoning fans at home to threaten them with legal action once again bottles out of an interview where he has to explain just why he's doing so well in the eyes of the Chairman......... and that's us done, ta for your mails and all that. See you next time, whenever that is.

Peep peep peeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!!!! So that's that, Boston 1, Swindon 3. In the end, a fairly routine victory for a team headed towards that league where Yeovil play now. Boston weren't turned over by any means, and at the very least made a fist of it at the end, but Swindon restricted the Pilgrims' attacking efforts sufficiently to ensure there was only ever really going to be one outcome.

90 mins - Hey, I've just realised I predicted this scoreline....... (see below, right at the bottom)

90 mins - Ex-Boston Players Scoring Elsewhere Watch - Lee again as County crush Torquay 5-2. Thank God for small mercies.

88 mins - GOAL!!!!!!!!!! Boston 1, Swindon 3 Sturrock crashes home the clinching goal as Swindon break forward. Game over.

88 mins - Mick asks why he can't listen to his Match Live audio. Since the impsTALK e-mail address won't allow me to reply direct to his message, are you using Internet Explorer 5, since Premium TV haven't grasped how to make the audio work properly in Mozilla...

86 mins - Swindon are under the cosh And at least Boston are making a last final push to salvage something from the game. You can't fault that. Although it does mean that Evans will tell Scott Dalton that in the last, ooooh, let's say 35 minutes, only one team looked like scoring/were in it/looked like the promotion contenders....

83 mins - Ex-Boston Players Scoring Elsewhere Watch - Jason Lee for County now...

82 mins - If Boston United lose, does that make it more or less likely that Steve Evans will mention THAT Wikipedia entry in his post-match interview? Since it'd surely make him, once again, sound like The Victim?

81 mins - Bury have just equalised against Lincoln, 2-2 at Gigg Lane now.

70 mins - Ex-Boston Players Scoring Elsewhere Watch - Tim Ryan hits the spot for Sotnick United

76 mins - "Where are all the fans? All sat at home changing people's entries on Wikipedia, the posting the results on messageboard, but using aliases (that have already been blown) because they're not men enough to put their own name to it?" says Andy.

74 mins - Boston are now winning the yellow card count, 3-1. "Just like the song "we're kicking em down at York St ground" - I'm an Urban poet too" Mick 'The Bastard' Taylor sez.

70 mins - 'Where are all the fans?' muse BBC Radio Wiltshire. 'Maybe they're all tuned in via the internet or something.' No, BBC Radio Wiltshire, no they're not. They're at home either having a shit, reading the paper, or they're out recording videos of sub-Mike Skinner urban shit-hoops that they can stick on YouTube.

66 mins - Substitutes - Broughton and Greaves off, Vaughan and Maylett on.

61 mins - MatchLive updates..... Boston 1, Swindon 3 now.

60 mins - According to the MatchLive console, Swindon had been leading 2-1 anyway, so it's no great surprise that Pook just plonked one past Marriott. The only discrepancy is that MatchLive continues to maintain that Swindon's second goal was scored by Roberts (14 mins)

58 mins - GOAL!!!! Boston 1, Swindon 2 - Capping off a classy team move, Pook scores a wonderful goal from the edge of the area to thump Swindon into the lead.

Suitable punishment - In sourcing suitably obscure messageboards for Forum Watch, impsTALK stumbled across this somewhat alarming offering.

Attendance 2,101. Another bumper sell-out crowd packs into York Street. Not that I can talk.

54 mins - Meanwhile, in the game I'm supposed to be covering - not much is happening, except a number of balls being hoofed out of the ground. And Cape Canoville's NOT on the pitch?

Forum Watch #4 - And luckily, NT has also thankfully refrained from making totally unsubstantiated and, frankly, illegal allegations on this multiple personality discussion board, and so it remains open for the mentally challenged to continue to communicate their experiences of Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Forum Watch #3 - You can still get as much arboricultural advice as you like thanks to Norfolk Townie's generous decision not to post a link to a Wiki article about how an oak tree once had illicit sexual relations with an underage willow tree in a remote beauty spot.

Kick-off - the second half gets underway.

Surprise substitution - Jamie Clarke replaces Cape Canoville, who had had a decent game (as usual) and must therefore be totally crocked.

Forum Watch #2: Nor has the UK Police forum.

Forum watch - Thankfully, as it stands, the Origami Forum has not been shut down as a result of a slanderous post left by Norfolk 'Dunce' Townie.

Salt and vinegar? - "The bit that goes "chips n cheese that make ya lips bleed" - must have put too much salt on them," says Mick 'The Bastard' Taylor.

Kickin' it down in Boston town - For anyone who can't be bothered to check out the below YouTube video link, here's a pithy assessment from learned culture connoisseur brrap1:

"Wog wun blud, riiite interestin stuff. De backin track is sick as! de chorus is a bit basic and needs sumfin to take away de edge, nah wa'i mean. luvin de way u keep bostonio livin real, but de shit bout the bronx brings down de standard of de lyrics, sounds lyke u aint got nufin betta to say. Keep it cumin, biggin it up 4 de Bostonian boi's"

Half time entertainment - As promised. And who needs the Rocking Rev when you have...... Luminus, Boston's very own 'urban poet'! Feel free to e-mail what you think of this effort to the usual address.

Peep peep peeeeep! Half time at York Street. Boston 1, Swindon 1. Boston have stood up impressively to Swindon's challenge, but will need to be on-guard in the second-half. I'm about to roll out a big fat cliche..... this could go either way.

43 mins - Chance! Farrell forces a very good stop from Smith. "Less of the "rather wonderful Mick Taylor" right! That does fuck all for me street cred, ya know what I mean. I'm known to my posse as Mick "the bastard" Taylor and I'm mean me... So der. This song is bitchin by the way. I've listened to it 174 time now!" says Mick 'The bastard' Taylor.

41 mins - Chance! Well, Chance-ish. Roberts rounds a static Boston centre-back, who we must assume is Ellender, and one-on-one with Marriott spoons the ball............ onto the corner flag. Well, in fairness it was a narrow angle....

35 mins - Well, save for the two goals, the game has been very unremarkable so far. Not exactly laden with trillions of chances, or acts of wanton violence. Not that we condone violence, but it at least ellicits excited squawks from commentators.

30 min - Ex-Boston Players Scoring Elsewhere Watch - Elding has scored for Stockport at Posh.

25 min - Chalkhills is a better XTC site, btw - one of the greatest, under-rated bands to ever exist. Music today wouldn't be the same without them, says Andy. Meanwhile, Mick is bigging up his half-time entertainment: "All the kids at school are going on about it. Me, well I'm just old and think it is laughable."

20 min - Worth every penny of the subscription - As well as offering online commentary plagued by regular two-second dropouts, matchLive have also reported that Swindon have scored two goals, both by Roberts, with his second arriving in the 14th minute. This is also reflected in their own text commentary. Which would obviously come as something of a surprise to anyone actually present at today's game.

16 min - GOAL! Boston 1, Swindon 1 - Yeee-hah! etc. Thomas beats Smith (the P one in goal) after Franny Green's initial shot rebounds and nicely falls at his feet. A welcome gift.

13 min - Only another four goals for Swindon and we can open our 0-5 account for 2007 in style.

9 min - Urban poetry - Thanks to the rather wonderful Mick Taylor, impsTALK is going to be presenting a unique half-time entertainment show that will leave viewers...., er, well, entertained, certainly. I've seen it. You're going to love it.

9 min - GOAL! Roberts takes advantage of some comedy goalkeeping to blast the visitors into the lead. Marriott was totally culpable, failing to deal with a corner. You know what I'm about to say. It involves the word 'flapping'.

7 min - As far as is possible to discern, the ball has not once touched the floor at York Street in the first seven minutes.

4 min - Vintage flashback alert. Tore-Andre Flo has just scored for Leeds! Did you hear that? A Tore-Andre Flow goal, in England. It's 1998 all over again. Next: Trevor Quow instructs David Norris to start warming up.

Kick-off - And another afternoon of misery begins.

Teams - They're in!

Boston: Marriott, Canoville, Thomas, Ellender, Nicholson, Green, Greaves, Kennedy, Farrell, Richards, Broughton
Subs: Clarke, Holland, Vaughan, Galbraith, Maylett

Swindon: P.Smith, J Smith, Ifil, Williams, Nicolas, Shakes, Pook, Timlin, Zaaboub, Roberts, Peacock
Subs: Brown, Weston, Stewart, Jutkiewicz, Sturrock

Preamble

"A man so thick he'd have to study hard for six months just to make it to the level of "vegetable"," writes Charlie Brooker today. "A potato could beat him at noughts and crosses - assuming he could work out how to hold a pencil and make marks on the paper in the first place, which is doubtful."

Mr Brooker wasn't, as you might initially suspect, writing about Norfolk Townie, aka Boardroom, aka Woody the Woodpecker - a classic web forum terrorist who yesterday caused Steve Evans to demand, once again, the closure of the Pilgrims Patter forum - but Jade Goody's boyfriend Jack.

"He doesn't contribute... but slowly subtracts; moping, blinking, frowning at words of more than one letter, even frowning at noises that sound like they might be words (if [a] door... creaks when it opens, he gets a bit angry, thinking he's just heard yet another word he doesn't understand and vat ain't fair innit). And on the rare occasions when he opens his mouth to speak, he sounds like a leaden 10-year-old reading lines off a card," Brooker continues, eloquently describing the man who most definitely not Norfolk Townie. Although you might think it is. Unless we tell you it isn't.

Anyway, moving on, lest we spend too much time gawping aghast in astonishment at yesterday's creative editing of the Steve Evans' Wikipedia page, the sun is shining, the winds have cleared - and as I type Liverpool are beating Chelsea. A glorious day indeed, and so it goes that a home defeat by 'high flying' Swindon Town is destined to ruin what is otherwise all set to be one of the better Saturday afternoons of 2007 so far. I mean, I know we've only had a couple, but.... y'know.

Swindon are a little better than when they last visited York Street. At this point we'd provide a link to the match report on Ken's site, but some comedy fuck-shit has caused Ken's site to be pulled, which also does for our stats, because Soccerbase is too much hard work.

Match facts

Swindon are better than Boston.

Predictions

Boston 1, Swindon 3

Unrelated links

XTC

Billie Piper

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