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Vauxhall Motors

impsTALK.co.uk > Rough Guides > Opposition > Vauxhall Motors


Club Details
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Vauxhall Motors Football Club
Rivacre Park
Rivacre Road
Ellesmere Port
Cheshire
CH66 1NJ


Matchday prices 11/12: Adults – £9
Coffin dodgers– £6
Students - £3
Shites under 16 – £1
 
Vauxhall who?

Three years ago, in the days when impsTALK was updated more frequently than once a fiscal quarter, we used to refer to Vauxhall Motors as Volkswagen Motors.

Oh, the hilarity.

We’re not going to bother reviving that gag, steeped as it was in mock disdain for our opponents that has now largely been replaced by actual disdain. Mind you, even then, back when contrite United fans putting a brave face on their misfortune through the medium of half-assed comedy had to endure the tedious witterings of other fans telling them to ‘get used to non-league’ as if Boston had just been demoted from the Champions League, the fixture against Vauxhall was the one that really did underscore just how dramatic the Pilgrims’ decline had been.

Vauxhall Motors.

When United were thrown to the Northern Premier League lions just a few weeks after losing to Peter Heler’s 86th minute winner at Riveracre Park, Vauxhall were the club, along with Trinity, that everyone cited when trotting out the “I can’t believe [X] are in a division higher than us!” line, usually accompanied by clenched fists, pallid complexion and a slightly disturbing twitch.

And yet, three years later, here we are: supposedly 98.7% reformed from The Bad Old Days, and still playing Vauxhall. There’s no point being sniffy about it, for Vauxhall have successfully clung to their place in the Conference North, if not entirely on merit. For a club that has only a couple of dozen more fans than Wigan Athletic, that’s quite an accomplishment.

Formed as recently as 1963 as the works team of the local car plant (the clue’s in the name, moron), Motors have, in recent years, enjoyed a period of sustained success that now sees a club that averages about 150 spectators per match slugging it out with the likes of Halifax, Telford and - oh, if we have to! - Boston. Since there’s no real evidence to suggest they’re being bankrolled by mysterious 'investors', this smacks of good management, shrewd organisation – and ready access to a talented pool of local players.

However, this doesn’t mean they are on the kind of uncontrolled ascent that would see them playing in League One by 2014. Vauxhall have certainly found their level, and it’s only recent financial calamities at Northwich, Farsley and – gah! Do we have to? – Boston that has saved them from a return to the Northern Premier.

Still, it’s a difficult trip and it’s pertinent to remember that the Pilgrims have never won in Ellesmere Port, much to Andy Butler’s mortification. A sobering thought for those thinking of Vauxhall as inferior opposition. Grimsby fans thought Braintree were a tinpot sack of shit too. How did that work out again?


Claims to fame

For such a small side, Vauxhall have seen a number of players progress to greater things. The name that stands out most prominently, at least for us anyway, is that of Paul Taylor.

Not that he's a huge star, of course. When Vauxhall visited York Street in 2007, Taylor was the best player on the pitch by a country mile. It was immediately obvious that he playing far, far beneath his station, and when Forest handed him a trial a few months later there was little surprise.

The trial didn’t work out and he moved to Chester. A controversial personal implosion later, however, and his dreams of success in England seemed over. He moved to Belgium, where he briefly ended up on the books at Anderlecht before being loaned out, released and eventually shipped back to the UK. As of August 2011, he plays for Peterborough - it'll be interesting to see whether he can progress even further.


Last few seasons
2010/2011 - 17th in Conference North [see full table]
2009/2010 – 20th in Conference North [see full table]
2008/2009 – 11th in Conference North [see full table]

Where do they keep getting caught offside?

A couple of tiny stands, some portacabins and a railing around the pitch are about as much you can expect from Vauxhall's modest, but quite attractive, little ground, situated in the shadow of the giant industrial complex which spawned the club in the 60s.

It's not a particularly old stadium, having opened as recently as 1987, but the club's rapid ascent through the pyramid has left Motors playing catch up with stadium developments to keep those Health and Safety jobsworths happy that people won't explode when taking in that tasty Vauxhall v Grimesthorpe Miners Welfare FA Cup match.

If you want to check out some images of the grounds, look HERE.


The town

Vauxhall Motors are not, you might be slightly surprised to learn, based in a town called Vauxhall Motors. That'd be daft, although at least it'd give us some material. Ellesmere Port is the kind of town that is an absolute nightmare to write anything interesting about, principally because there's not much more to say than 'they make Astras' there.

But even Astras are absurdly boring cars, so let's just talk some total dogshit about something vaguely associated with the town: the Blue Planet Aquarium. This aquatic wonderland is a complex where a large variety of grotesque marine critters are imprisoned for the purposes of entertaining parties of school children and tourists.


Disappointingly, zebra sharks don't resemble zebras

One new addition to Blue Planet's collection is 'Dotty', a zebra shark (stegostoma fasciatum) who is housed in the shark tank along with other well-known shark brands. The zebra shark is manufactured in the Indo-Pacific region and the species is not generally considered dangerous to humans, although it does appear they have attacked people who have attempted to jump on their backs and ride them. In this respect, zebra sharks are basically about as hostile as the average punter down your local.

It might be worth noting that if you spot Dotty at Blue Planet, you are entitled to a free "I spotted Dotty" sticker, although given Dotty hasn't really got anywhere to hide it might have been better to just identify people who had not seen Dotty and forcibly tattooed "I failed to see Dotty because I am a complete cretin" on their forehead.

Once you're done at Blue Planet, you might want to skip across town and visit the National Waterways Museum, an attraction that sounds like it has come straight from an episode of Alan Partridge. At this thrilling festival of canal-based frolics, you can see a large collection of canal boats and visit the 'pump room'. We're pretty sure we once saw a film called that, although it wasn't in English and certainly wasn't suitable for children.


Where to eat and drink
Absolutely no idea. The ground looks as if it's pretty out of the way, so either take a pack-up, or pop by a drive-thru on your way. Unless you fancy taking your chances with their snack bar.

Any suggestions? E-mail us if you have found anywhere better.

Links

Official site - Vauxhall's official site
Vauxhall Motors Conference page - Football Conference club profile
Vauxhall Motors wiki - where you can read everything you've read here


Anything to add?
Spotted anything inaccurate? Offended by anything? Profoundly disappointed we neglected to mention your uncle’s pencil sanctuary? E-mail and let us know what a bunch of 'tards we are!


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