>> 2008/09 >> Rough
Guide > Buxton
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the hell are Buxton City?
We know Buxton well. United last played them last season in
the extra ultra preliminary qualifying preliminary round of the FA
them 4-1 and sending them packing back to Derbyshire with
the jeers of more than five fans ringing in their tinpot ears. The
two clubs crossed swords regularly in the old Northern Premier League
years and they are one of the few familiar faces in a crowd of weirdoes.
not to say Buxton have been ever-present in the league since we
last met them as equals in October 1996. A year or so Boston defected
to the Southern Premier League, Buxton were in the mire, relegated
in successive seasons in 1997
and 1998 to the Northern Counties East league. It wasn’t until
Nicky Law’s arrival in 2005 that the club finally began its
ascent back up the pyramid. The club were promoted to the NPL Division
One in 2005/2006 and their momentum was such that they claimed the
2006/2007 title, and promotion into the NPL Premier League, too.
were formed in 1877 under the umbrella of the local cricket club,
moving to play at the Silverlands – the highest football ground
in the country - in 1884. There’s a lot more of the usual
history rubbish we could write about, including tales of Cheshire
League triumphs, but we’re not going to bother.
from the fact Buxton shares its name with a popular brand of mineral
water, there isn’t a huge amount to cling onto. There are connections
with the aristocracy: Buxton’s patron is the Duke of Devonshire,
but he’s a pretty tinpot Duke by our Dukey standards.
else? Not really, so let’s really grasp at straws. Although
having no geographical connection with the town, Lewis Buxton, a
decidedly average defender, plays for relegated Premiership shower
Stoke City. Buxton. Geddit? Arf. Erm. And that’s it.
Where do they run around like headless chickens?
are, famously, the highest football club in the UK. Don’t
get jumpy, Fenland acrophobiacs, we’re not talking Bolivia
here. At a mere thousand feet, the ball only travels 0.467% further
than it does at sea-level, and no, water doesn’t boil at a
lukewarm sixty degrees – although you’d be forgiven
for thinking that it does after a visit to Silverland’s snack
ground itself is basic, but picturesque, and has been renovated
since Boston’s carrot crunchers last left the vast, flat plains
of the east to head for the hills.
many away fans will they bring?
I die if I go to Buxton?
does funny things to the human body, such as killing it.
People suffering from the early stages of acute altitude sickness
start slurring their words. They become drowsy and may exhibit signs
of general malaise. They may start acting like Jim Kabia at 2.59pm
on a match day: intoxicated. Their hands and feet swell. They dehydrate.
As the body cannot distribute sufficient supplies of oxygen to cells,
they develop environmental hypoxia.
In extreme cases,
people suffer from a cerebral edema and lapse into a coma from which
they never recover. Higher still, where the atmosphere fades to
a tenuous whiff of disparate molecules, saliva boils on the tongue,
internal organs rupture and, if Total Recall is to be believed,
heads explode with eye popping brutality.*
Buxton, one thousand feet above sea-level, none of these things
will happen. In fact, aside from the odd bout of ear-popping, the
human body barely registers the slight reduction in atmospheric
pressure, from 1000 to 977.71 millibars. Which is a very long-winded
way of saying no, you will not die in Buxton.
us something to write about Buxton. Tell us some more interesting
facts about this pretty dull club - make it up if you have to - by
us NOW NOW etc etc