Talented youngster labouring under the laughable delusion that he’ll one day break into the first team at Old Trafford despite this being the ninth time he’s been sent out on loan to a lower league club in as many minutes [Manchester United - Gillingham] Season-long loan

38 year-old ex-genius from the continent here for one last pay day [Milan - Bolton] Undisclosed

Best player in the history of Steve Evans’ Crawley Town [Hibs Reserves – Crawley Town] Undisclosed

Titus Bramble [Wigan – any fucker that’ll take him off our hands] We’ll pay you £9m

Irishman [Paddy O’Paddy Guinness O’Paddy Rovers - Sunderland] £9m

Best player in the history of Steve Evans’ Crawley Town [Hearts Reserves – Crawley Town] Undisclosed

Les Dennis [Family Fortunes – Secure ward] Undisclosed

26 year old English player with one good season under his belt at a mid-ranking Premier League club [Everton - Chelsea] £8562 billion

Semi-literate, gangsta wannabe half-wit who accidentally let slip he was having a trial at a higher division club on an ill-advisedly public Facebook status update [Millwall – free] Fired

Best player in the history of Steve Evans’ Crawley Town [Hibs Reserves – Crawley Town] Undisclosed

Please. I’m begging you. I have a mortgage [Gretna – unattached] Released

Ex-prospect with a propensity to smoke crack [unattached - Wolves] Free